Caine Mutiny, The - Herman Wouk [271]
“Captain, pardon me, you’ve been through a hell of a tough time and you’ve lost blood, and nothing you’re saying about yourself makes any sense. You have all the guts anybody needs to-”
“Willie, it was you who left the steel balls on my pillow, wasn’t it?”
Willie looked down at his glass. He had done that one morning after Keefer had rammed a tanker coming alongside and then screamed at the helmsman and put him on report. “I-yes, I did it. I’m sorry, Captain, it was a stupid thing-”
“I want to tell you something, Willie. I feel more sympathy for Queeg than you ever will, unless you get a command. You can’t understand command till you’ve had it. It’s the loneliest, most oppressive job in the whole world. It’s a nightmare, unless you’re an ox. You’re forever teetering along a tiny path of correct decisions and good luck that meanders through an infinite gloom of possible mistakes. At any moment you can commit a hundred manslaughters. An ox like De Vriess doesn’t see that or he doesn’t have the imagination to be bothered by it-and more, he has a dumb ox-like sure-footedness for the right path. Queeg had no brains, but he had nerves and ambition, and it’s no wonder he went ga-ga. I think I’ve managed to do pretty well-until today-haven’t I?”
The tone of appeal made Willie hot with embarrassment. “Of course, Captain-”
“Well, it’s been a struggle. Exec is nothing. It’s command, command-I don’t know, I might still have bulled through if not for that goddamn out-of-nowhere son of a bitch of a Kamikaze-”
Keefer’s voice cracked, and tears spurted out of his eyes. Willie jumped up, averting his face. “Captain, I’ll come back a little later, you’re not well at all-”
“Oh, stick around, Willie. I’m okay. I just feel goddamn bad about being Lord Tom for life-”
Willie reluctantly leaned against the desk, still not looking at the captain. In a moment Keefer said dryly, “It’s okay, I’m all right now. Have another brandy.”
The tears were gone from his face. He held the bottle out to Willie. “Possibly the most humiliating aspect of the whole thing-I’m wondering whether after all my yappings, all these years, there isn’t an occult wisdom in the Navy’s mysterious ways. They put Roland on carriers, and sentenced me to the Caine. And by some diabolical chance we were both faced with the same test, a Kamikaze fire, and Roland died saving his ship, and I jumped-”
“Captain, you’re reading all kinds of meanings into a random accident. Pull yourself together and forget it. If you’re going to see the commodore at 1700 you ought to start getting ready- Arm bother you?” Keefer was grimacing as he sat up.
“Hurts like hell-that’s another thing, I want to go to the Relief-okay, Willie-” The captain swung his legs out of the bunk, moving his arm carefully. “Have another shot before we go?”
“No, thanks, sir-”
Keefer regarded him appraisingly, with a sullen smile. “I wonder if you realize how much you’ve changed in two years on the Caine?”
“I guess we all have, sir-”
“Not like you. Remember when you left that action despatch in your discarded pants for three days?” Willie grinned. “I never told you, but De Vriess and I had quite a talk about you that night. Curiously enough, it was I who said you were a hopeless case. De Vriess said you would be an outstanding officer eventually. I’ll never know how he could tell. You’ve got yourself a medal, Willie, if my recommendation means anything-well. Thanks for letting me weep into your brandy glass. I feel a lot better for it.” He reached for his