Candle in the Darkness - Lynn N. Austin [177]
“Dear God . . . Caroline . . .”
“Please believe me . . . I did nothing improper. If I had, would I have told you the truth about his hiding place?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to believe anymore.” Pain had replaced the anger in his eyes. His chest rose and fell as he struggled with his emotions.
Caroline knew he would ask her about Ferguson soon, and she dreaded telling him. At the same time, she wanted this terrible inquisition to end. If she couldn’t make him understand why she had helped the slaves or why she’d helped Robert, she knew he would never understand why she had passed information to his enemies—much less forgive her for it.
“I don’t want to believe any of this,” Charles said. “Especially the accusations that you were involved with this spy, Ferguson— that you passed secret information to him. I told my father that it couldn’t possibly be true, that you would never do such a thing. But he believes you went out of your way to cultivate friendships with army officials and cabinet members, hosting parties for them—then you shared all their confidences with our enemies. He says we could compare your handwriting and learn the truth . . . but I told him I wanted to ask you myself.”
She could no longer face Charles. The grief and betrayal in his eyes were too painful to see. Caroline covered her own face and wept.
“If I’ve just accused you falsely,” he said in a trembling voice, “tell me and I’ll apologize. Tell me that my father is wrong, and I’ll defend you before the highest court.”
“No . . .” she said. “No. It’s true.”
“Oh, God . . .” Charles moaned in pain. Then he began to shout, as if the only way he could keep from weeping was to smother his grief with rage. “I was lying out there in a trench, in danger, and you betrayed me to the enemy? I was being shot at and shelled day after day and you told them where to aim? I risked my life for you. For you, Caroline! I could have died a hundred times because of the information you gave them, and you expect me to believe that you love me?”
“I begged you not to fight. I never believed in your cause. And I never understood why you did. You said you loved me, yet you left me here, all alone, to cope with my fear and hunger and loss— you and my father and Jonathan, you all left me! The only people who stayed and prayed with me and helped me find enough food to stay alive and enough fuel to stay warm were my slaves. You fought in a war you admitted we could never win. You did what you wanted to do, regardless of how I felt, regardless of whether I agreed with you or not. You were fighting against everything I believed in, Charles. Can’t you see that you did the same thing you accuse me of doing? Does that mean you never loved me?”
“I never lied to you about what I believed or which side I was fighting for.”
“And I never lied to you about slavery. That’s why I passed information to Mr. Ferguson. If the South wins, slavery wins. I did it because slavery is wrong, not because I didn’t love you. I prayed that God would spare you, and He has.”
“And did you think I could still love you when I found out what you’ve been doing all this time?”
“I prayed that you would understand.”
“Well, I don’t. A lot of good, brave men have been butchered by your Yankee friends . . . including your own cousins and maybe your father. Now I’m lying here, a pathetic invalid . . . I don’t know how you can expect me to forgive you.”
Caroline covered her face. The price she had offered God— her future with Charles—would now be paid in full. But at least he was alive. At least the man she loved would live.
“Listen now,” Charles said coldly. “I told my father that if it were true, that if you were guilty . . . I didn’t want you arrested here in Richmond. I don’t need to see you publicly condemned or locked away in Castle Thunder. I hate what you’ve done, but seeking revenge won’t change anything. When Timothy Webster and his wife were caught spying they hanged him, but they sent Mrs. Webster