Choosing to SEE - Mary Beth Chapman [97]
I am so honored to be a part of MBHOH . . . but to God alone be all the glory. May we always be found willing to do what He is asking of us. I’m pretty sure His voice usually isn’t loud and clear . . . so get quiet and really listen to that still, small voice. Things might get risky and crazy and break your heart at times, but it is all worth it!
I leave all of you who are hurting or suffering in some way a quote from the man little Hudson was named after, James Hudson Taylor:
May this be your experience; may you feel that the Hand which inflicts the wound supplies the balm, and that He who has emptied your heart has filled the void with Himself.
Everything, including our pain, is His. I am thankful He will meet me in it.
39
Kissing the Fat
We’re not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.
C. S. Lewis
September 11, 2009
I went through some of Stevey Joy’s and Maria’s things today. I had to get Stevey Joy’s desk organized. I’ve been putting it off for well over a year now, but it was time to face some more memories and pain. I was going through old journals. Stevey Joy has a glittery princess one, and Maria had a green Tinker Bell one.
While I was thumbing through Maria’s journal, I stopped on a page that brought tears and joy and pain to me all at the same time. On a page near the back I found a six-petal flower and a butterfly, completely and brightly colored in by my sweet little goober of a girl.
This was the same picture she was drawing the day of the terrible accident, except this beautiful picture was finished, colored in! The blue petal that she had colored on May 21 is in the same place on this flower, and the orange center is the same.
I feel as though I got to see the whole picture! God is going to color in the rest of it on that day when all the questions won’t need to be answered . . . and all our tears will be wiped from our eyes! That little nugget of a girl left me another gift on a day when I have been really struggling with God and the whole suffering journey.
I’m so tired of the “if onlys,” and I about drive myself crazy thinking she’ll be home the next time I walk in the door. I physically miss her smell, her slobber, and her fat little feet so much that I sometimes feel as though I’m going through some kind of withdrawal.
Emotionally I’m fatigued from wondering what all of this mess and confusion and trauma is doing to Shaoey, Stevey, Will, Caleb, Emily, and Steven. It hurts just typing this because so many people have been affected by the loss of this squinty-eyed, big-smiled little princess who invaded the hearts of many.
I know seeds of hope have been planted . . . and I have even seen some of the sprouting of growth that comes through tragedy, suffering, and what God can accomplish through all of this. But, man, is that ever so hard to embrace on days when it would just feel better to shut down and pull the covers over your head!
But, as Maria’s picture so clearly shows me, the bright color is coming. When that foggy glass that we now see through dimly shatters, we will be in the brightly colored, finished picture of heaven where I will hear little Maria say, “SEE, it’s everything you said that it would be!” I will hold her and hear her heartbeat again and it will be glorious!
September 19, 2009
You know, it’s really cool when we get to SEE when God causes good to come out of such hard times. I was thinking about my sweet friend Lori Mullican, and how weird and awful it is that we both would lose our daughters in accidents. But here’s a good thing that came out of Maria’s loss.
Ever since the car accident