Complete Care for Your Aging Cat - Amy Shojai [64]
Most people wish to spend some time alone with their pet afterward. Don’t hesitate to ask for this consideration if it’s not offered.
The way the euthanasia is managed will influence the way you feel about the experience in the future. Don’t be reluctant to ask questions, or make requests for you or your cat’s comfort. “About 60 percent of owners who have their animal put to sleep will change veterinarians,” says Dr. Fortney. There are a variety of reasons for this. Perhaps the most telling is that some just don’t like going back to the practice where they put Fluffy to sleep.
Validating Grief
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross documented the five stages of grief people feel at the loss of a human loved one. You will feel similar emotions after losing a beloved pet. The stages are denial; anger; bargaining, I’ll do X, Y, Z, if only he’ll be okay; depression; and finally acceptance.
Grieving is a normal, human process, and major loss of any kind will produce bereavement. But Dr. Sife says that pet bereavement has unique qualities, because we share very different parts of our lives with pets. “We have to understand specifically what the bond was, why it is so valid to grieve this way, and not belittle ourselves or doubt ourselves,” says Dr. Sife.
Many cat owners look on their pets as dependent children. Even more, an old cat represents milestones in the owner’s life—the cat was a childhood playmate, accompanied you to college, was there for your wedding, or your divorce, and perhaps helped you through the loss of a spouse. Losing her feels like losing a part of yourself.
Pet bereavement may not receive the same level of sympathy and support as from losing a human family member, and that makes the loss even more profound. “Many people resent that we can bereave so deeply for a pet. They will take it personally and get very judgmental or offensive,” says Dr. Sife. He says that reaction stems in part from society’s negative view of death, which makes it difficult to openly express grief, especially for “only” a pet.
Individuals who have never experienced a close relationship with a pet will have the most difficult time understanding your pain. “There’s a dimension of life they can’t appreciate,” says Dr. Kitchell. When one family member was much closer to the lost cat than others, they may be unable to handle the emotional fallout. “For people who don’t have that capacity to understand the bond, it’s as if they go through life color blind.”
There is no right way to experience grief. Each person’s experience will be different, and the process can be short or long. The stages of grief are not necessarily sequential—you may feel depression, then denial and anger, for example. “You do not have to experience all these stages to successfully grieve,” says Dr. Garrett. While the cat’s death may throw you into deep denial, your husband may simply get angry—or come to terms with her death much more quickly than you can.
Guilt is common. Whatever choices you made, guilt often stalks you afterwards. Have faith that you made the best possible decision at that time.
Delayed grief may also knock on your door. In these cases, you feel no emotion at first, and feel odd, empty, or even guilty for lack of distress. Delayed grief may come days, weeks, even months later, when the sight of Fluffy’s catnip mouse you find under the bed prompts an emotional meltdown.
All of these aspects of grief are normal.
Close family members and friends who want to help you through your grief may not know how to give support. They’ll say, don’t cry. Or try to diminish the reason for the pain by saying it’s only a cat. “That of course only intensifies the pain,” says Dr. Sife, and can permanently damage friendships and relationships. “The important