Conquistadora - Esmeralda Santiago [59]
Her pregnancy hadn’t been particularly difficult, but she thought she was unlike other mothers, at least the ones around her. The women of the hacienda, even knowing that their children would be slaves, frequently caressed their growing bellies as if engirdling treasure. They carried their babies in cloth slings close to their chests or, as they were older, on their backs, as if unwilling to let them go into the world. Watching them, Ana expected that she, too, would love her child wholeheartedly, that his presence would nourish the hunger for affection she’d carried from childhood. But Miguel didn’t fill that emptiness. She told herself that her own unaffectionate parents impaired her, had cursed her with the inability to love, even toward flesh of her flesh. But it seemed too easy to blame her parents. Holding him in her arms, his little arms flailing toward her, she felt not pangs of love but qualms of doubt. Who—Ramón or Inocente—was his father?
Flora, Inés, and Siña Damita took over caring for Miguel, except for the few minutes she spent with him a couple of times a day. Sometimes Ana felt guilty for not paying more attention to him, but she could see that he was thriving. I was raised by maids and servants, she thought, and I turned out fine. It was true that she was lonely, but Miguel was lucky. There were several babies and toddlers on the hacienda, so he wouldn’t lack for companions. Ramón and Inocente talked about white families with children, including Luis and Faustina with their two boys, but Ana was too busy to go visiting or to have guests. She might have to do that now so that Miguel would meet other children like him. The idea of organizing her life around his needs rankled. She was resentful of his presence, as if Miguel had sprung into her life to make things harder.
With one year’s experience behind them, the 1846 zafra was more successful than the first, although they were short of their financial projections. The new fields wouldn’t be ready for another season, but more land was being cleared for planting. The wind- and animal-powered trapiche was in need of a major overhaul. The grinders were worn and often needed on-the-spot repair, interrupting the processing. Severo recommended steam-powered crushers, but the machinery was costly to purchase, transport, and install, in addition to the time required to train workers on the new equipment.
During the zafra, fifteen macheteros were hired to cut the cane, and a few other campesinos were added for the less skilled jobs like carrying, stacking, and carting the stalks. Ramón and Inocente had to agree that they needed to buy more slaves.
Severo Fuentes secured ten more, and by the time Ramón and Inocente tallied the expenses, they were showing another deficit. Had Ana not asked for specifics, they wouldn’t have shared the information, unwilling to let her know just how dire the situation was. She only learned that they’d borrowed money from don Eugenio when a letter arrived confirming a bank note from San Juan to a notary in Guares, who was in turn to deliver funds to Luis Morales. It appeared that the brothers had purchased more land with a loan from the neighbor.
“You didn’t tell me about this purchase,” Ana said, trying to keep the bitterness from her voice.
Ramón shrugged. “We couldn’t let it go.”
“Borrowing from your father or spending our own money are one thing. Getting into debt to a stranger is dangerous.”
“He’s not a stranger. He was our uncle’s good friend. Inocente and I know what we’re doing. Stop worrying.”
“We agreed that the three of us would work together. Now you’re keeping things from me—”
“This is men’s business, Ana. We don’t see the other women around here involved in men’s affairs.”
“What women?”
“The wives. If you made the effort to meet them, you’d learn that we’re not quite as isolated as you think. There are charming people around here.”
“I didn’t come here for amusement.”
“Having some fun might do you good. Doña Faustina is a lovely woman. She could be a good friend. You should have returned her visit and—”
“I