Cool, Calm & Contentious - Merrill Markoe [48]
Answer: Plenty of times! And I have the chiropractor bills to prove it! Sometimes the creature has even been a dog!
Then it occurred to me: The first step is to start my own dog-training school!
Yes! I can do it! I too have a method to share! After all, who’s going to stop me? The bottom line is that any advice taken from any dog guru … be it the Dog Whisperer, the kid who works at Petco, or me … is an act of blind faith. It’s a lot like buying vitamins, or believing the praise of a salesperson who tells you that, yes, you absolutely look beautiful in that bathing suit. By the time you find out that the service provided was mainly a lie, it’s not worth the stress it would take to bother getting a refund.
Because let’s face it: when we hire an animal-behavior mentor, we are buying their invented vision of the human-animal bond. In almost every case, they made it all up. No member of the other species in question was actually consulted. Often no research, beyond firsthand observation, was even done. It’s a little like choosing a religion: you take a look at the holidays, then pick the one that will make your life better, not worse.
Naturally, a visit to my dog ranch to study my method of Flexible Cohabitation (patent pending) will afford a very different set of insights than a visit to the Cesar Millan Dog Psychology Center. It’s all a question of what set of rationalizations you are willing to buy. Ask yourself: Do you want a dog who will walk behind you and obey your every command? Or do you want a more casual, improvisational, fun-filled human-dog bond? If your answer to the second question is YES!, then read on.
By using my method, and rejecting the methods of Mr. Millan, you will find that both the human and the dog will experience less stress. And the truth is that the more you accept your dog for who he is and not try to mold him into what you expect him to be, the more you will also accept yourself. At least that’s what I like to tell people who are vacillating about writing me a check because they are not so sure I know what I’m talking about.
FLEXIBLE COHABITATION
(Patent Pending)
My Dog-Care Plan for YOU
FAQ
Q. How do I know if Flexible Cohabitation (patent pending) is right for me?
A. Well, let me ask you this: Do you have the patience and follow-through necessary to work with your dog for an hour a day, every day, for months, even years on end? Do you want to endure the tedium and discomfort of repeatedly giving your well-intentioned, sad-eyed pet forceful commands that make them feel manipulated and unhappy while at the same time making you feel tyrannical? If you answered, “Will the program still work if I only do it once a week?” then I believe that Flexible Cohabitation is the plan for you. With Flexible Cohabitation, all that’s required is that you sit back in your favorite chair with the icy-cold beverage of your choice and enjoy life’s rich pageantry as it unfolds before you. Because unlike Cesar Millan, I was not raised a member of the male gender in the macho culture of Mexico, and therefore I am not inclined to ask my human clients to subject themselves to painful puncture wounds by performing an alpha rollover when their dog appears dangerous or aggressive. Instead, with Flexible Cohabitation, I will show you how to enjoy a meaningful human-dog bond anyway, while allowing the dog you love so dearly to behave exactly as he or she wishes.
Q. You can’t mean that you are advocating letting dogs run all higgledy-piggledy through your home?
A. To this I reply, “Obviously you have never been to my home.”
With Flexible Cohabitation, I will share with you my very special form of Zen nonattachment to material goods, which, in these days of economic turmoil, your bank account is going to love! I wish I had known you back in the days when I had my blue pin-striped sofa, which was so full of holes from dogs circling and getting comfortable that the