Cool, Calm & Contentious - Merrill Markoe [49]
Q. Will I have to employ terrifying, guilt-inducing accessories like an electrified fence and collar?
A. Not only will you never again have the need for so much as a choke chain, but I will show you how to make yourself believe that tugging on a rope toy is in itself a form of aerobic exercise that helps to shape and tone your calves, thighs, biceps, and abdominals while improving your dog’s physique as well. I will even offer easy diagrams to help you convince yourself of this!
And that’s not all!
With Flexible Cohabitation, I will help you feel good about the tendency you already have to give your dog full access to your plate at mealtimes by showing you how it can help you cut down on thousands of calories a day!
You’ll be amazed at how much more free time you have when you abandon the tedium of traditional dog training and accept living alongside your dog in the harmony and chaos that nature intended! And when all is said and done, you will find that they love you exactly the same amount!
Q. What about tooth brushing? Do I have to brush my dog’s teeth on your plan?
A. No. My guarantee to you, the consumer: With Flexible Cohabitation, you don’t even have to brush your own teeth. And you will go to sleep at night knowing that 100 percent of your money will be spent not just to build a long-dreamed-of addition to my house but also to pay for the high-end canned food and vitamins to which my own dogs have unfortunately become accustomed. (Offer void where prohibited by law.)
Q. Isn’t the relationship you are recommending here the kind of doormat relationship that you commonly rail against among human beings?
A. No! Not in the least! Because in this case … well, okay … yes. In a way it is. But with Flexible Cohabitation, since the relationship in question is with a dog, it’s so much more appealing. Gone are the power struggles involving appropriate roles, the painful arguments full of humiliating personal insults. Gone are the gut-wrenching lawsuits over property and children. Now, at last, you are truly free to work out your troubling childhood issues with nothing more at stake than a few sofa cushions, some socks, and the occasional rug.
* And when I say little, I am not kidding. I looked him up on Wikipedia.
Virginity Entrepreneurs
COME WITH ME NOW, IF YOU CAN STAND IT FOR A THEORETICAL second, back to those golden-hued days of a minute ago when George W. Bush, our dunderheaded former president, hadn’t yet announced the total collapse of the global economy and Barack Obama was but a hope-filled gleam in a potential voter’s eye. Come with me back to a time when a seemingly normal girl in her early twenties, after giving herself the pop-starry pseudonym of Natalie Dylan, publicly announced her intention to auction off her virginity on eBay and use the profits to finance her college education. This may have seemed like just one more offbeat listing for eBay shoppers used to bidding on “4 sets of 3 unused mortuary toe tags” or “Debra Winger’s childhood doll,” but it was new to me. It was my first encounter with the unsettling vocation of the self-employed virginity entrepreneur.
The idea had apparently gotten rolling a few years earlier in Europe when a lesbian student at the University of Bristol sold her virginity online for £8,400. The next recorded case was in 2007 when a young British physics student at the University of Salford was offered a cool ten thousand pounds by a potential deflowerer. After that Natalie Dylan followed suit, becoming the first American to ride a winning horse in this particular derby. And once her story hit the throbbing jugular vein of Internet sensationalism, her auction