Cool, Calm & Contentious - Merrill Markoe [60]
You have the right to command the full attention of the people who are sharing your immediate physical space on any social occasion. And you have the right to expect the attention they give you to be free from lengthy contact with acquaintances at other locations. This kind of behavior is analogous to channel surfing in the middle of a heart-to-heart talk or screaming out someone else’s name in bed. Common human decency also dictates that the time you spend together should be free from jiggling legs, drumming fingertips, jangling keys, exasperated sighing, ill-tempered eye rolling, a peevish tone of voice, or any other indications of impatience or boredom. The right to reach over and throttle the perpetrator is one of the few important things our founding fathers forgot to include in the Bill of Rights (along with the right to make a citizen’s arrest of a person who replies to something you have said with a famous line from a blockbuster movie).
If you have already observed the behavior above, it would be unusual if you did not also notice that when you finally do get around to talking, your new companion does not ask you a single question. Do not shrug and think, “No big deal. They’re interesting and attractive. We’ll get to me soon enough.”
Here’s what you are not understanding: people who behave like this are generally under the impression that when they are talking about themselves for hours on end, a mutually fascinating conversation is taking place.
A friend of mine dated a man who, on the very first date—a time when unnerving truths are often accidentally confessed—mentioned that people often complained that he talked too much. Because she found him interesting, she laughed off his remark as self-deprecating. Then, in the course of things, she found that she could never get a word in edgewise. When she attempted to correct this disparity by charging ahead and trying to insert a few remarks of her own into his monologue, he broke up with her on the grounds that she was making him uncomfortable. And therein lies the detail that she didn’t understand: People like this are only comfortable when they are allowed to be assholes.
2. A WORRISOME LEVEL OF INTEREST IN YOU
You might think that this is what you have always wanted. At last! A captive audience who can’t get enough of you. But it is wise to exercise caution around a person who has a million questions for you yet seems to give out little personal information of their own. More than likely they are keeping something secret—probably something that would change your mind about them if you knew it. They are treading water by distracting you with your own details. Sorry to have to be the one to point this out. I know it was fun to finally hear yourself talk.
3. A WEIRDLY COMPETITIVE ANGLE ON EVERYTHING
As soon as you get a foothold in the conversation, your new companion busts in and says, “Exactly. I know, I know.” And the next thing you know, they have hijacked the story to something they thought about while they were forced to endure the inconvenience of having to pretend to be listening to you.
This is sometimes seen walking hand in hand with a tactic I call “topping,” wherein someone needs, for some reason, to best your story wherever they can. If you don’t feel well, recently they felt much worse than that. If you got a new car, they got one that is so unbelievable it makes your car look substandard.
A third variation on this theme involves someone complaining about their achievements as though they were problems.
Example 1: “I’m so depressed. This huge new book deal I got is putting me into a really bad tax bracket.”
Example 2: “My life is such a mess. There are three different incredible guys in love with me right now, but