Cool, Calm & Contentious - Merrill Markoe [61]
This allows the asshole in question to wear the camouflage of a humble victim, thereby provoking your sympathy rather than your envy. Yet in that very same smooth moment, all the attention is refocused on them and their superior situation! I call this “The Asshole’s Double Play.”
4. NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE TALKING TO
If someone tells you the same story over and over and doesn’t precede the retelling with “Did I tell you this already?,” that means (a) they are telling this story to so many people that they cannot keep track of who has heard it before and (b) you are not important enough for them to remember what they have said to you. They live their lives like they are on a personal promotional junket and therefore say the same things to everyone they see. Your job is to offer a round of applause, a few positive affirmations, and a greenroom with a buffet and an open bar. Of course, the latter can, and frequently does, lead to several other very compatible substance abuse problems. Fun!
5. AN INABILITY TO EXPLAIN WHERE THEY HAVE BEEN
Once upon a time I had the experience of dating someone who kept “disappearing.” One minute it seemed like we were intimate; the next he was nowhere to be found. In a postcoital afterglow, I’d try to make contact via calls or even presents. When I got no response at all, I would talk to friends about it. Every last one of them seemed to have a lot of insight.
“I think he gets really depressed,” said one, who claimed to know him well.
“He’s really insecure,” said another one.
“He’s so freaked out about his career,” said a third.
“He was so upset by his divorce that he’s still afraid to get too close to someone he loves,” said a fourth.
All of these things seemed plausible and made me feel great empathy. How sad for this poor talented guy who tragically undervalued himself and was riddled with pain, uncertainty, and crippling self-doubt. Love had let him down, yes. That was sad. But once he realized that he was “safe” at last, everything would change. What a bright and happy day that would be for us both!
Here’s what I forgot: it’s not possible to disappear and still be alive. At least not in the dimension in which most of us are still living. I am excluding participants in a witness protection program or international spy ring, because, though not impossible, neither is all that likely. At least among my friends, if they can be believed.
This didn’t exactly dawn on me out of the blue. It took an incident in which I learned the names of the tens of other people this particular guy was seeing. And thus did I discover the true meaning of “disappearing” in the context of a romantic entanglement: other cast members in this drama, many with whom you are not yet acquainted but will be. A few may be principal cast. Others may be five-lines-and-under. Possibly they have not heard your name yet, either. Or maybe they have. But best of all, the whole bunch of you are destined to meet under the very worst of circumstances. Go ahead and start figuring out the funny things you are going to say to them all right now.
6. NO WAY TO KEEP THEM FROM GETTING UPSET
Beware the demented fight that erupts out of nowhere. One minute you are talking about potato salad, the next you are being called a castrating bitch. I was once watching TV with a guy who began to exhibit this syndrome right after I mentioned liking an actress on the show that was playing. Next thing I knew, I was being told to leave because the person to whom I was talking had turned my praise for an actress neither of us knew personally into an attack on his character and his place in the world.
When this happens, don’t waste your time pacing in a circle with your friends, ruminating about the heartrending details of his unfortunate childhood. It really doesn’t matter how much pressure he is under because there is a recession. That’s beside the point. You have bumped into an early warning sign of a complicated personality disorder that means no difference of opinion will be tolerated. And yes, unfortunately,