Cool, Calm & Contentious - Merrill Markoe [62]
7. NO WAY TO AVOID THE MANY THINGS THAT THEY FIND ICKY
Be wary of people with juvenile issues about ickiness.
Food is an area of special alarm. (An exception can be made if the person in question is under ten, in which case the problem doesn’t fit this essay.) If you notice your new adult companion moving the food around on their plate so it doesn’t touch any other food, or picking at something you cooked, then holding it on their fork, sniffing it, and wrinkling their nose like a bunny, watch carefully for other things on this list.
Fussiness about food is one of those traits that come with a list of auxiliary characteristics, including, some will argue, being bad in bed. In fact, since there’s no one else here, I will be the one who will argue that. Face it: there are lots of gooey, drippy, damp and clammy, bumpy, and aromatic things that happen in the course of intimate relations with another human being. Even paying special attention to cleanliness and hygiene doesn’t change the truth that we are all covered with germs and hairs and assorted viscous fluids that the body itself proudly invented! And there is nothing at all that can be done about the existence of most of these things, short of setting up daily life in a quarantined area or a steaming-hot shower stall.
The same is true for fears about going out, fears about staying in, fears about checking locks or stoves or lights, fears about conspiracies, being watched, or catching an illness. All portend the opposite of a lusty good time. Unless you stand to inherit a lot of money by spending one night in a haunted house with a group of strangers, there’s not much to be gained by living in terror.
8. AN ABUNDANCE (OR LACK) OF VANITY
If your new companion shows up smelling bad, it probably isn’t because they were so excited about being with you that they forgot to shower. More than likely, they’re not tuned in to worrying about other how people see them. In case it’s not clear, you do want someone who tries to make a good first impression on you. A total lack of awareness about how they are being received means that the person lives in their own parallel, self-absorbed world. If this sounds like something you would find desirable in a companion, I suggest rescuing a dog or a cat.
The opposite condition is equally lethal. A little vanity is fetching: a sign of a healthy ego. But people who are so wrapped up in their looks and the impression they think they are making on others that they cannot kiss you for fear of disturbing the magnificent tableau they have created have relegated you to the role of audience member. If you catch someone checking their reflection in the silverware or sucking in their cheeks and fixing their hair in the shiny surface of their iPhone while you’re talking or, worst of all, recording videos of themselves while they’re doing any of the above in order to post them on YouTube or Facebook, well, I think by now you know what you must do.
9. TOO MUCH TOO SOON
Exercise extreme caution in the face of any declaration of love that happens too soon. The offer of a commitment from someone who barely knows you is not romantic. It is more likely a sign of lethal flakiness, a smokescreen to distract you from some standard-issue things that you will soon notice are missing, like intimacy, friendship, your Social Security number, your American Express card, your jewelry, your iPod, your keys.
10. TOO GLIB
We’re raised to admire people who are charming and witty. Playful banter is the way movie and television couples talk. But remember, in real life there is no TiVo, and a life too full of witty sitcom banter is one of Dante’s original nine circles of hell. Think of it: there you are, stuck with someone who is coming up with zany ripostes when you’re trying to communicate. Do you really want a smart little answer to everything? When you say, “How are you?,” do you really want to hear someone reply, “Compared to what?” Uh-oh … I may have just described myself.
11. AN EERIE RESEMBLANCE TO ONE