Cool, Calm & Contentious - Merrill Markoe [70]
Here it was, only ten A.M., and I was already beside myself about the way that selfish, ego-driven people throughout history always seemed to drag the idea of God’s approval into their motives. How come these people, who believe that God created everything in a week, are never bothered in the slightest by the fact that He, like Steve Jobs with his “revolutionary” iPhone 4, clearly rushed the human being to market too early? Both were products overflowing with design flaws. But in God’s case, what excuse could He have had? Who insisted that He put Himself on such a tight schedule? Did He have shareholders to please? Was some underpublicized Mrs. God bugging Him to hurry up, the way she might have if He’d kept putting off something unpleasant, like cleaning out the garage? And that whole episode in the Garden of Eden—one lady’s bad fruit selection was a pretty poor excuse for moving ahead with a line of creatures so full of bugs and malware that they ended up poisoning and devouring their one and only habitat. Come on, God: even hyenas don’t go around ruining everything for everyone in their neighborhood.
Tired of my own petulant sermonizing, I returned to the task at hand: trying to come up with one concrete thing I could do to help. A charitable contribution wouldn’t make much of a difference, not on my salary. Of course, I could go to Louisiana to help clean oil off of pelicans, but unless I committed to moving there, I’d feel like a fickle hobbyist. Or … now, this was a long shot, but … what if I could just bring some of the oily pelicans back here to live at my house, where I could clean them and tend them and protect them from further harm until they were out of danger and feeling much better? I could probably fit about five hundred birds into my house. They could nest on my chairs and couches! And since I live only a half mile from the ocean, we could take frequent field trips to the beach!
It wouldn’t be an easy transition. I would probably have to invent a group pelican leashing system. But I was up to the task.
Only one hitch: the new resident birds might have a problem getting along with my dogs.
But in this case, too bad for the dogs! Their lives weren’t being threatened, unless you counted their testy relationship with the equally spoiled dogs on the other side of the fence.
No, until the birds were steady and able to get on their feet, I would lock the dogs in the back of the house. Sure, after being catered to their whole lives, they’d be pissed. But in this time of crisis, we the fortunate ones needed to put ourselves second. We’d all have to look at the bigger picture
“Okay, you guys,” I said as the four of them gathered around me on the bed, staring at me as a way to pressure me to get up and feed them. “There are four-point-two million gallons of oil a day pouring into the Gulf of Mexico. It’s a horrible disaster for more reasons than I think your attention spans will allow me to enumerate. So here’s my point: we cannot all sit calmly by and watch as the world is destroyed by selfish, greedy people. We have to help out wherever we can. Are you with me?”
No one said a word.
“I’m going to take that as a yes,” I continued, “because we all need to pitch in for the greater good. I want you to remember