Cool, Calm & Contentious - Merrill Markoe [71]
The dogs kept staring at me.
“So, you all understand what I’m proposing?” I asked. “While I am finding out if I need to get a sanctuary permit or what, I want the four of you to readjust how you feel about birds. I know you find them irritating for some reason, but under these circumstances I will expect you to behave. Even though sacrifice is a concept with which you are not too familiar.”
Hedda yawned. “We’re more familiar than you think. What do you call hanging around watching you for hours on end?”
“I always wondered why we did that,” said Ginger.
“She apparently needs an audience,” said Puppyboy. “No one knows why.”
“That’s very insulting,” I snapped. “I don’t need an audience. And if I did, you guys are the last ones I would pick. But even if what you say is true, how is that a sacrifice? I’m far and away the most entertaining thing in your lives.”
“You don’t think we’d rather be out running in traffic?” Hedda snorted.
“Well, maybe, but you’re forgetting: you have it pretty easy around here. Not one of you ever helps out. And you’re all middle-aged now, which is much too old to be so selfish.”
“And by selfish you mean … what exactly?” said Ginger.
“The act of placing one’s own needs or desires above the needs or desires of others,” I said. “I don’t suppose that rings a bell with any of you?”
“Yes! It does with me,” said Puppyboy. “I invented that!”
“You didn’t invent it,” said Jimmy. “I was doing that way before I knew who you were.”
“No, you’re both not understanding,” I said. “Selfishness is not considered a good thing. I am talking about being oblivious to anyone’s feelings but your own. The only thing the four of you care about is yourselves.”
“That’s some serious bullshit,” said Puppyboy. “Every creature in all of nature knows that putting yourself first is pure instinct. If I’m not thinking about myself, I am not running at full capacity. Therefore I am endangering the species and putting the ecosystem at risk. Now, that is my definition of something bad.”
“I guess the problem is, these instincts of yours work better in the wilderness than in a domestic setting,” I said. “Like it or not, we live not by instincts but by human rules. And since this is my house, I get to say which rules apply.”
“So you’re the selfish one?” said Ginger.
“No, the word ‘selfish’ doesn’t apply in this case, because I go out of my way to make the four of you extremely comfortable,” I said.
“You ignore me a lot,” said Puppyboy.
“I can show you a perfect example of selfish, thoughtless behavior right this very minute,” I went on, ignoring him. “Look at Ginger. She is standing on top of a newspaper I’m reading.”
“I’m not doing anything,” said Ginger, flinching as though I were going to hit her.
“Yes, you are. And stop flinching. I’m not going to hit you,” I said. “All I’m asking is that you take a moment to think about where you’re standing before you decide to stand there.”
She looked at me with the uncomprehending eyes of a chicken.
“Ginger, listen,” I said. “I am very important to your survival. To frame it in terms of this whole BP oil spill scenario, in this household I am the ocean and you are the pelican. If we want to share our environment, we must live in harmony with each other. Therefore, you must constantly ask yourself, ‘Am I standing on something that is important to Merrill?’ If the answer is yes, then you must stop standing on whatever it happens to be: the front page of my New York Times, the manuscript I am writing, my freshly laundered shirt, my head.… And that goes triple for my laptop.”
“I never stand on your newspaper,” said Pup.
“True. But you, Puppyboy, are selfish in other ways,” I went on. “For instance, the way you think we’re all supposed to stop whatever we’re doing whenever you show up with a ball.”
“What?” said Pup, so angry he was now avoiding my gaze. “That is pure generosity of spirit! I look around and see that you’re sitting there, bored out of your skull … doing absolutely nothing …”
“You mean