Crystal Lies - Melody Carlson [71]
“Sometimes?”
“Okay, all the time. I feel hopeless all the time—24/7.” He smiled now. Not a big smile, but sort of a knowing smile. “Well, you’re not alone, Glennis.”
“You feel hopeless too?”
He smiled again, slightly bigger this time. “Sometimes I do. It isn’t easy to deal with addicts day after day, many who don’t really want to recover, some who want to but can’t. But mostly I’m okay. I was actually referring to other people who have an addict in their life.”
“Right.”
“Have you ever considered joining a support group like Al-Anon?”
“I went to a meeting.” Just one?
“Well.” I wanted to blame it all on Geoffrey now, to pour out all my grief and frustration and make it seem like his fault, but I knew that wouldn’t be completely true or even fair. “I guess I wasn’t sure if it was really worth it.”
“Worth it?”
“Oh, at the time I was still with my husband, and we didn’t agree on how to handle things, with Jacob I mean.” He nodded. “I’ve seen that happen a lot.”
“He thought Al-Anon was a total waste of time.”
“Did he go to a meeting too?”
I firmly shook my head. “I don’t think he would’ve liked being seen somewhere like that”
“Not good for his image?”
“Exactly.”
“But you went anyway.”
I shrugged. “I’ve long since quit caring about my image. I know I’m a bad mom, and I figure everyone else in Stafford knows it too.”
“Oh, come now, Glennis, I’m sure you’re not a bad mom. You’re here today, even though your son, who really should be here, has bailed on us.”
“The fact is, I would do anything to get Jacob away from drugs. Anything”
“I’m sure you would.” He studied me for a moment. “The problem is, there is nothing you can do.”
“Nothing?” I must’ve looked crushed. “Nothing at all?”
“I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. The only one who can help Jacob is Jacob.”
“That’s what my husband used to say.”
“Your husband was right.”
With those words came a jagged lump that lodged itself in my throat, making it, I felt sure, impossible to speak. And suddenly I wanted to get far, far away from this hopeless place and never come back. I had come here for answers, for help, and all I got was that.
“Are you all right?”
I nodded.
“Would you like a drink of water?”
I nodded again, looking down at my lap and fiddling with the strap of my purse as he went out, apparently in search of water. I suppressed the urge to dig for my keys and bolt from the stuffy room before he returned. No, I told myself. Knowing I would probably be charged for a full hour of counseling time, I was determined to get my money’s worth and, if nothing else, waste this discouraging man’s precious time.
He returned and handed me a paper cup of water. I took a slow sip and attempted to gather my wits. “So, if there’s nothing I can do, then why am I here? Why am I wasting my time?”
“There’s nothing you can do to rescue Jacob,” he continued. “But you can do something for yourself.”
I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t concerned about myself, that when your son is killing himself with drugs, you cease to care about your own life, you almost cease to exist at all. You are only consumed with ways you might be able to help him, things you could do to save him. But I simply sat there and said nothing.
“You need to take care of yourself, Glennis.”
I took in a shaky breath, afraid that I was about to completely lose it. “But how can I take care of myself when my son is out there ruining his life with drugs?”
“It’s a daily thing, Glennis, a moment-by-moment process. You can only take one step at a time, and sometimes they’re just baby steps. It’s really not so different from what we teach those who come here to recover. You have to work it out for yourself, one day at a time.” He continued to talk for a while, but I’m afraid that most of his words were lost on me. I was probably still stuck on the bit about my husband being right. How could it be that Geoffrey had been right? That must mean I had been wrong.
Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. “Excuse