Crystal Lies - Melody Carlson [95]
“I guess so.”
“But didn’t you just tell the group that you were served divorce papers last week?”
“I know…”
“But it’s still uncomfortable.” I nodded.
“Well, don’t worry, Glennis. I’m not out to get you.” He tossed me a mischievous grin. “I’m only offering my friendship.”
“Thanks.” I felt some of the tension draining away. “So, how’s it going?”
“How’s it going?” I echoed, almost wanting to throw my head back and laugh hysterically. “Well, my life is a lot like a roller-coaster ride, Marcus. Up and down, and just when I begin to relax a little, it turns on me and goes sideways. I get so tired of it.”
He nodded. “Unfortunately, that’s life with an addict.”
“The divorce doesn’t help either.”
“No, I’m sure it doesn’t.” He stirred his coffee. “But that’s what makes it so important for you to get control of your life.”
“Control?” I rolled my eyes. “That sounds more and more like the impossible dream to me. I honestly don’t believe I’ll ever have control of anything again.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Glennis. You can get control, but you can only get it over your life and your decisions. You have to know by now that you can’t control anyone else.” Then he laughed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to start lecturing you. Sometimes I forget to turn it off.”
“That’s okay. I probably need some extra lectures.” I set my cup down. “I do keep telling myself that—I mean that I can’t control anyone else’s life. Not Jacob’s or Sarah’s or Geoffrey’s. I’ve even got the AA prayer taped to my refrigerator. My neighbor Jack gave it to me. He’s the old guy who’s been trying to get Jacob to go to AA with him. I’ve read it so many times that I’m sure I must have it memorized by now.” Then I recited it, albeit somewhat sloppily. “Give me the grace to accept what I can’t change…the strength to change what I can…and the wisdom to know the difference.” I smiled like a schoolgirl. “How’s that?”
“Very good. I wish I had a gold star to give you.”
“But saying it and living it are two different things.”
“It takes time, Glennis. Just like with an addict in recovery, it’s a daily thing that takes a lifetime to live out.” He took a sip of coffee. “So, tell me, what are your daily routines? What are you doing to keep yourself healthy and on track these days?”
“Well, I’ve really been trying to get back to some kind of schedule since Sherry’s son died.” I’d already told the codependent group about Matthew’s death. I knew they would understand. “I think his death was sort of a wake-up call for me. Or maybe I was just being codependent again, you know, doing it for Sherry.”
“Well, I suppose it’s not so bad when you’re the one who benefits from it.”
“That’s sort of what I’ve been telling myself. Anyway, I’m back to jogging every morning, but I’m not quite as obsessed as I used to be. I try to keep it around thirty to forty minutes. Then I take a shower and clean my apartment, which takes about five minutes. Of course, I do regular things like the laundry and buying groceries.” I paused, trying to think of something else, something not quite so mundane.
“And that’s enough to fill your day?”
I shrugged, then looked down at my coffee, studying the reflection of the overhead lights on its dark liquid surface.
“What do you do with the rest of your time, Glennis?”
I sighed and looked up. “Not much. To be perfectly honest, I probably spend a lot of time just looking out the window, hoping that Jacob is going to show up and tell me he’s ready for recovery. Or if he does pop in or call me with some little emergency, like last week when he needed a tetanus shot for stepping on a nail, well, I stop whatever I’m doing and let my little routines just tumble to the side while I try to fix things for him, hoping he’ll realize how much I love him and want him to get help.”
Marcus laughed. “You are such a natural codependent, Glennis. You could be our poster girl.”
I frowned.
“Sorry. And, just for the record, a lot of people with codependent traits are very loving and caring people. They don’t mean to enable or cripple their loved ones. It’s just that they think their