Crystal Lies - Melody Carlson [96]
“How can you stand to spend time with me, Marcus?” I told him. “I mean you work with addicts and codependents all day long. Why would you even offer to have coffee with me during your free time?”
“Maybe it’s because I’m a bit codependent myself.”
“You?” I found this hard to believe.
He chuckled. “The truth is, it’s almost impossible to be in my line of work without being a little that way”
“So you want to fix everyone too?”
“Well, I know without a doubt that I can’t fix anyone. But I don’t mind using what I know to help people find their own answers—as long as they’re willing to take the steps themselves.”
“Right.” I tried not to think about Jacob now Tried not to imagine some way I could trick him into entering rehab, some way I could help him put his life back together again with someone like Marcus holding his hand. I knew I should know better.
“You mentioned that you have a teaching certificate,” he continued. “Do you think you’ll take that up again?”
“I’m not sure.” I frowned. “I doubt I’d be any good at it now.”
“It’s not surprising for you to feel that way. After everything you’ve gone through in the past year or so, well, it just stands to reason that you’d feel less capable than before.”
“Less capable?” I forced a laugh. “I feel like a complete and utter failure, Marcus. I feel like everything and everyone I touch falls apart. And if it doesn’t fall apart, then it’s probably my turn to fall apart. Honestly, I can’t even imagine myself standing in front of a classroom and teaching again.”
“Did you enjoy it before?”
“Oh, I don’t know. It seems so long ago since I got my degree in education. At the time it felt like the right thing to do, and I really do like children. But now I wonder why I didn’t pursue something, well, something more creative.” I couldn’t believe I’d just admitted that.
“Creative?”
I shrugged. “I know it probably sounds silly. Like I don’t even know who I am or what I’m capable of doing. But I suppose that’s how I feel right now”
“That’s not silly. Under the circumstances, it’s totally understandable.”
“So I’m really not sure what I’ll do.”
“What kind of creativity interests you?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” Then I paused to consider his question. “I used to love gardening and arranging flowers. It seemed like the only creative outlet I had, back in my old life. But besides that, I’ve always been interested in interior decorating, and my friend Sherry thinks I’m good at it. I also like antiques.” I shrugged. “I guess I don’t really know what I’d like to be when I grow up.”
“But it sounds like you’re heading in a direction, Glennis. You should give yourself some time to really consider what you love doing and what you’re really good at. Think about what kind of options there might be in that field, and then allow yourself to dream a little.”
“Dream?” I felt skeptical now. Couldn’t he see that my life was too messed up to dream?
“Yes, the older I get, the more I believe we all need to dream more.”
“I don’t think I even know how,” I admitted. “The only dream I have is to see Jacob get clean, and even that gets wearisome.”
“Of course you want him to get clean. But that’s not the dream for your life, Glennis,” he continued. “I believe that God plants dreams in everyone.”
“Well, if that’s true, then mine is probably dead.”
“Maybe it’s not dead as much as it is buried by the circumstances of your life. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen God use trials and challenges to dig into our hearts and shake us up until the dreams finally rise to the surface.”
“Are you suggesting that God ordained Jacob’s drug problem and my divorce just so he could shake up my dreams?”
“No. Not at all. You have to know by now that the people we love make their own choices, both good and bad. We can’t control their choices, but their choices can affect our lives. Right?”
I nodded.
“But we still get to choose for ourselves, Glennis. And if we choose to trust God, things can turn completely around for us. God can turn bad into good.”
“I’d really like to believe that.