Decoding Love - Andrew Trees [37]
In a monogamous society, though, the competition among women is vastly increased, while the competition among men is significantly lessened. And if the population in a monogamous society shifts slightly so that there are more women than men, the competition between females can become as fierce as any in the animal kingdom. I’m not suggesting that women agitate for a repeal of bigamy laws, but it helps to understand how the rules and values of our society can have unrealized consequences for the competition to secure a mate.
Our sometimes wobbly commitment to monogamy should not be surprising. Notice the way that major institutions—the church and the state to name the big ones—have been mobilized to strengthen the bonds of matrimony. Even so, there are many ways to make end runs around the system. Many people engage in a kind of serial monogamy today, dating or even marrying for a few years and then moving on to the next partner. In effect, this serves as a kind of slow-motion polygamy. Think of the rich and successful men who repeatedly divorce in order to marry younger women. And there are other loopholes, such as adultery.
So, it is important to recognize that monogamy is rife with difficulties for human beings. As one book aptly titled The Myth of Monogamy suggests, monogamy is not ordained by natural law but is instead a fragile compromise in the ongoing battle between men and women. No less an authority than Margaret Mead called monogamy the hardest of all human marital arrangements.
3
The Dating Culture
What I Learned About Dating from Thorstein Veblen
AH, BUT WE ARE NOT SIMPLY THE SUM OF OUR EVOLUTIONARY urges, our concealed ovulations and big balls and deceptive smiles. We are shaped by our rich and complicated cultures. The good news is that cultural evolution occurs much more quickly than genetic evolution, so there is every possibility that our culture could change in a variety of ways that make both dating and relationships easier in the future. In contrast to other species, humans have shown enormous flexibility in their mating arrangements throughout the course of history, which reveals the important and variable role of culture in our lives. In our current case, though, our culture is not doing a lot of favors for people interested in a happy, long-term relationship. In fact, there are very compelling cultural reasons why dating and relationships have become a vexing problem for many of us.
I must warn you that this chapter is somewhat eclectic. It discusses everything from consumerism to demographics. In my defense, I will only say that culture itself is always a bit of a hodgepodge, and any attempt to wrestle with it shouldn’t strive too hard for tidy coherence.
THE CURSE OF COMPARISON SHOPPING
Perhaps no aspect of our culture is more omnipresent and more easily overlooked than consumerism. A significant portion of our time is spent shopping for, buying, or fantasizing about various consumer products. We rarely notice how much it dominates our lives, but it is time to turn a bright light on that forgotten corner. Not only has it caused us distress in general, but I would argue that a consumer mentality has gradually seeped into our approach to dating with disastrous consequences. Our plight could be called the consumer’s dilemma, the unending chase for a slightly better product (or partner) somewhere over the horizon. And you don’t need something as complicated as love to see this. You can find it in a simple and homely jar of jam.
Surely, nothing could be easier than choosing a jam. We already know whether we like raspberry or strawberry, seedless or seeds. Picking a jam involves none