Distant Shores - Marco Palmieri [104]
“I’m serious.”
“So am I.”
“I’m not saying just anyone could fill your shoes. But worst-case scenario, there are at least a few officers on board who could assume your position on this ship.”
She was choosing her words extremely carefully.
“But there is no one who could do it better. Because there is no one on this ship, not even Tuvok, who knows me the way you do. I’ve never met anyone who could so effortlessly walk the line between fellow officer and compassionate friend.”
“I don’t think the two have to be mutually exclusive, Kathryn,” he replied, “especially under our circumstances. I think you hold yourself at a distance from me and the rest of the crew because it’s easier that way.”
She paused, considering this. Finally she replied, “I guess it is. I know there are times when I wish I could be more like you. But there are also times when I wish you were more like me.”
“Why?”
“Because in my perfect world there are right and wrong answers. I didn’t spend most of my childhood studying quantum mechanics because I’m antisocial by nature. I like knowing the boundaries of my universe. When I can see the lines clearly it makes the choices more certain… more absolute. When I looked at the Bonding Box, that’s what I saw… a clear simple object that would convey not only the depths but also the limits of my affection for you.”
“Boxes are nice, but they were never meant to contain a human heart, Kathryn.”
He was pushing her. And they both knew it.
“You’re asking for something I’m unable to give, Chakotay.”
“Unable, or unwilling?”
“Maybe both.”
“You’ve always had my respect,” he said. “You know that. But it isn’t because your uniform has four pips on it. What I respect is the woman who wears that uniform… the strong, fearless, compassionate, and fallible woman I have come to know on this journey. Up until a few days ago, I hadn’t given any of this much thought in a long time. While you were still engaged, even during those months we spent alone on ‘New Earth,’ I felt I had to respect your commitment to Mark. But that obstacle no longer exists, and I know for a fact that no matter what you intended when you gave me the Bonding Box, your heart shares my feelings, even if your mind is holding you back. What I still don’t understand is why. What are you so afraid of? What’s the worst thing that could happen?”
“I could lose you,” she admitted. “Voyager might survive the rest of this journey without you, but I wouldn’t.”
He stared at her, speechless.
“It’s a big universe,” she went on, “and bad things happen in it. I don’t doubt that we could sustain a relationship. The crew would understand… most of them would probably be thrilled for us. But if something were to happen to you on my watch…” She let the thought trail off.
“That’s a risk you take in any relationship.”
“Maybe, but some risks can be calculated with more certainty than others.” She paused, feeling her resolve starting to slip, if only a little. “Mark wasn’t the first man I was engaged to marry,” she said softly, as his eyebrows lifted in involuntary surprise.
“He wasn’t?”
Her gaze shifted to a faraway point beyond his left shoulder as she continued in her soft, dusky voice.
“Mark and I practically grew up together. He was always so good and kind. But sometimes I think the only reason I let myself fall in love with him was because it was a safe choice. He shared my passion for science, without the need for adventure. He was going to spend the rest of his life working patiently in his lab, breaking all kinds of new theoretical ground, while I roamed the galaxy putting those theories into practice. And there was no question that the ‘balance’ of our relationship was tipped ever so slightly in my favor. It was something I could control, and it was hard to imagine anything, short of Earth’s destruction, that could jeopardize his life or the life we would have together. I wasn’t going to lose him, like I lost Justin.”
Chakotay’s eyes narrowed. “Who’s Justin?”
“Justin Tighe was a Starfleet officer, and a pilot. We met not long after