Doctor Who_ The Romans - Donald Cotton [21]
And since she was on her way to the throne room any old how, perhaps as a favour to the Empress she wouldn’t mind taking up a couple of sparkling drinks - this one for Nero, and that one for his new lady friend who was almost certain to be with him round about now, and if not then give it to whoever was, as it seemed a pity to waste it.
I then turned my back for a moment, and was gratified to see in the mirror that she immediately switched the glasses, which I had depended upon, having misinformed her as to which was which.
So here I had a thoroughly dishonest and unscrupulous child who was almost certain to give every satisfaction and sudden death quite impartially.
It seemed I had chosen well...
DOCUMENT XIX
Letter from Barbara Wright
Nero, enough!
What is the use of going on like this? I atn not unaware of your interest in me, having received from your clammy hands to date more priceless jewels of the Orient than I can possibly wear without appearing to be vulgar.
And while we are on the subject, can you really believe that if I were to incorporate Cleopatra’s coronet into my coiffure, such ostentation would not arouse your wife’s criticism, should she notice the adornment?
I do not wish to hurt your feelings by sending back these items; but under separate cover you will find your no doubt well meant oysters, which I am returning unopened, being conscious of their reputedly aphrodisiacal properties.
I would have preferred not to have to write this somewhat cruel letter, hoping to have eliminated the necessity for it by my previous behaviour; which has included, you may recall, striking you with a metal tea-tray at our first meeting, and subsequently screaming at your passionate approach, shuddering at your tentative touch, et cetera.
But since, apparently, you are incapable of taking a hint, there are certain things which must be said if our already unpleasant relationship is not to degenerate further -
although to what loathsome depths it is susceptible of descending, I prefer not to think!
You should, therefore, know - in all fairness - that it is useless for you to attempt to conceal your unsavoury self beneath the simulacrum of a sugar-satyr; since, as a sometime teacher of history, I am fully cognizant of that suppurating septicaemia of the so-called soul which invests your festering facade with the dropsical dross of all possible nostrils!
Let us be honest: I do not find you in the least bit attractive.
I am sorry if this seems harsh, but I hope that you will feel able to forgive me in time, and allow me to remain your unmolested, but in other respects, obedient servant, M/S Barbara Wright
DOCUMENT XX
Second Selection of Jottings from
Nero’s Scrapbook
She loves me! I feel almost sure she does! Why else should she have written me a letter concealing her true feelings -
which must be almost uncontrollable to have driven her to adopt such a course? And, having adopted it, the poor besotted child has rendered it vain by signing herself M/S -
which can, I think, only be intended as an abbreviation of Mus!
Well, my little Mouse - if that is what you wish me to call you - I shall be your great big pussy cat, just see if I’m not!
Further to which, as I was awaiting - why should I have to wait? It’s too bad! - the arrival of the itinerant ballad-monger, Maximus Petullian, I was very naturally musing on lions and their maintenance; and the thought occurred to me that perhaps I have inadvertently been cruel - well, just a tiny bit - to use them as I do. Because all this time I have been feeding them with Christians by the arena-full, and have never once thought to ask myself if this was an adequate diet.
One imagines the King of Beasts turning to his lady, and grumbling, ‘Christians again? Why can’t you ever stay in and cook something?’
And I see his point – I really do! It must be dreadfully monotonous for them, and I accept the criticism. Very well then; in future they shall have roast Christian! I see an avenue of blazing human torches, down which the great cats pad, selecting the