Doctor Who_ The Romans - Donald Cotton [30]
A harmless enough proposition, one would have thought. But strangely, he leaped to his feet, and screamed irritably, ‘I suppose you think I haven’t got one, don’t you?
People seem to imagine that I do simply nothing all day, but sit around writing songs, and persecuting Christians, and organising orgies, and all that...’
‘And all what?’ I asked him.
‘That,’ he replied evasively. ‘But I tell you, there’s a lot more to being an Emperor than you might suppose.
There’s... well, there’s caring and concern, and so on.
And... ah, yes... what about this? I have just received - look here! - the final winning entries for my ‘Design a Capitoline’ competition from the Institute of Architects!
There you are - how about that?’
He had produced, during the above, a sheaf of plans from a drawer in the ormolu-encrusted sarcophagus between us, and flung them triumphantly onto the table.
‘These’ll lead to a fine old song and dance from the conservation lobby, wouldn’t you say? Progressive as all get out, they are! Make Rome absolutely unrecognisable in no time at all!’
I must admit that the plans appeared to be a most impressive example of featureless urban sprawl; and I produced my spectacles with the multi-focal lenses, the better to examine the more soul-destroying, habitat flattering details of his projected Rome New Town Conurbation; for I am, of course, a qualified architect myself, and could, I believe, have produced some distinguished work in that field, had I so chosen.
It was while I was thus engaged that Poppea entered the room, followed by a forlorn figure, which, through the high magnification of my glasses, I could have sworn was that of Barbara Wright! Startled out of my normal composure, I therefore removed the delusory pince-nez, laying them carefully on the blue-prints, and regarded the lady again from several angles, with the naked eye.
There could, incredibly, be no mistake!
It was the popular history mistress of Coal Hill Comprehensive, whom I had left safe in Assissium only two days ago!
DOCUMENT XXVII
Sixth Letter from Legionary (Second Class) Ascaris
Locusta,
You can hardly be surprised, I should think, that on this occasion I offer no terms of endearment or assurances of filial affection, as, where you are concerned, I find I am fresh out of same, owing to not hearing from you of late amongst other things, when, if ever, I have so sorely needed a mother’s guiding fist in my predicaments.
For my part, I have never hesitated to send you such news of my doings as I hoped would have been of some interest, even to a seamier citizen than you (if ever there was one, but obviously there isn’t).
So, all right then, if that is your attitude it will be the last of them I promise you, as I have now done with being dutiful, and in any case am leaving Rome on account of lions, with which circumstance I will not detain you owing to obvious lack of parental concern for such matters; and anyway, I have my hands full enough of the beasts for the moment, thank you – or will have if they can work out how to get down a manhole. Oh, how they do so snarl and salivate down my grating!
But enough of that for now, as I would not wish to bore you further with my humdrum life-style, and if spared shall be gone by dusk to begin a new one in some corner of a foreign field if I can find it, and be myself again, which is,
Ascaris.
DOCUMENT XXVIII
Third Selection of Jottings from Nero’s Scrapbook
I do not think it could ever be said of me that I am an emperor to harbour a grudge, but I am beginning to dislike Maximus Petullian very much indeed.
I believe I have already made it clear in the privacy of these pages that my feelings towards Barbara are such as to set my soul soaring to Parnassus where it writes a good deal on the subject; and I am not, therefore, apt to be pipped at the post by some rube of a troubador, however retired he may claim to be, especially when he is three times my age, twice as mad,