Doctor Who_ The Romans - Donald Cotton [31]
So you can imagine my feelings when - deep in a succinct summary of my slum clearance project for Greater Rome - I realised I had lost his attention, and he was roguishly ogling my fair betrayer from every possible angle!
Furthermore, it was at once clear that she returned his interest, the baggage; for, with a loud cry, she dropped Poppy’s shopping, and flopped sobbing at the fellow’s feet, whence she addressed him as ‘Doctor’ - obviously a barbarian term of endearment – causing him to splutter:
‘Shush!’
It was clear to me, therefore, that they had met before, and moreover on terms of some intimacy; and I was about to demand an explanation with menaces, when a smell of burning distracted me from my catechism; and I discovered to my horror that my architectural extravagance, the working drawings on the basis of which the new Neropolis was to be constructed, were now slowly smouldering!
The reason for this was not at once apparent, and I was at a loss to account for the phenomenon; until Petullian interrupted my cries of ungovernable fury with an utterly inadequate ‘Dear me!’, detached himself from Barbara’s embraces, approached the conflagration, and extracted therefrom the charred remains of an apparatus which it has been his occasional habit to balance on his nose! I had never stooped to enquire the cause of this one additional eccentricity amongst so many; but he now explained that it was an optical device intended to assist the eyesight, but he greatly feared it had now so concentrated the rays of the sun onto the parchment as to.. well, he was sorry, but I could see what had happened, couldn’t I? Just one of those unfortunate things!
I was in the process of taking the in-breath necessary for a prolonged tirade, when two lions entered the room, nodded casually, and curled up on the carpet. Whereupon Petullian, rather in the manner of a prisoner in the dock asking for sixteen other offences to be taken into consideration, said that he would like to apologise for having let them out!
And after that events became somewhat confused, and conversation inarticulate, as we all made our own arrangements for the immediate future...
DOCUMENT XXIX
Eighth Extract from the Doctor’s Diary It is perhaps fortunate that the lions made their entrance when they did, for in another moment it is possible that Nero might have been inspired by the fortuitous inferno to initiate the burning of the city itself; a tragedy, had it really occurred, for which I would have had no wish to be held responsible, however indirectly.
Moreover, they created a useful diversion which enabled Barbara and me to leave the now chaotic throne-room, where the royal couple were clinging sloth-like to the chandeliers, and screaming for assistance.
I felt it best to take with us both the scorched plans and the imperial lyre, so that the obvious myth of Nero having
‘fiddled’ during the fictitious fire should have no possible foundation in fact.
As we were traversing the entrance hall with these trophies, whom should we encounter but Ian Chesterton on his way in, absurdly dressed as a gladiator! I rebuked both the latter and Barbara for having disobeyed my instructions and gone gallivanting on their own, for they might well have encountered serious trouble without the benefit of my experience and supervision.
At this, they seemed amused for some reason; and I decided that, in the face of this dawning irresponsibility, my best plan would be to curtail my holiday, collect Vicki from our hotel, and return to Assissium, before something serious occurred to any of my protegées.
Before doing so, however, it occurred to me that it might well benefit posterity if I were to complete the destruction of Nero’s grey and grandiose scheme for the featureless construction of Rome, and perhaps therefore contribute, however slightly, to the sum of human happiness.
I therefore ignited once more the remains of the parchment and disposed of them down a sewer grating outside the Temple of Minerva.
At once there was a muffled