Empress Orchid - Anchee Min [61]
“No! Who do they think I am? Go to hell! I won’t permit it!” The man I was now sure was Emperor Hsien Feng shouted from the other room. “… Well, if they hadn’t come with troops. What have the British and the French done? They have forced me to pay eight hundred thousand taels more than I was already required to pay. Now they want me to open Tientsin. Tientsin is the gate of Peking, for heaven’s sake! They are strangling me with a rope … What do they mean by amending the treaty? It’s a savage’s excuse! I have already opened ports in Canton, Shanghai, Foochow and Taiwan. I don’t have any more to open …”
Gradually his voice grew weak. He broke down. He was crying. “I am so ashamed … China’s dignity has been sacrificed. I have no face to go to the altar anymore. Why can’t you do something? Sleep has become impossible. I have been drinking, yes. How else am I to escape my nightmares! What do you mean, it was up to me?”
There was a pause, followed by the sound of porcelain crashing.
The north wind whistled outside the windows. After a long silence I heard Hsien Feng blow his nose. Then came the sound of shuffling feet. I saw the shadow of His Majesty approach the bed curtain and pulled the comforter over my head. He sat down on the edge of the bed and sighed deeply as he took off his robe.
“Tea, Your Majesty?” Chief Eunuch Shim’s voice came from the hall-way.
“I’ll drink my own piss!” was His Majesty’s reply.
“We wish Your Majesty an excellent night!”
The footsteps in the courtyard receded.
I was not sure whether Emperor Hsien Feng knew that I was in his bed. I certainly didn’t want to surprise him. Should I make some noise to let him know that he was not alone?
His Majesty kicked off his boots and tossed aside his belt with its pendant beads and charms. He was in a white shirt. His black braid coiled around his neck like a snake. Without changing into his night-gown, he slid into bed and leaned against a pillow.
He turned his head and our eyes met.
There was not the slightest hint of surprise in him. Having a girl in his bed was like having an extra comforter. I saw no flicker of interest in his large slanted eyes. He was as handsome as I now began to remember him from our first encounter—a shaved chin, a straight Manchu nose and a boat-shaped mouth with firm lips. I had never seen a man with such perfect features and delicate skin.
We continued to stare at each other and I could feel my blood pumping in my veins.
“May His Majesty live for many many years and may your descen-dants be counted in the hundreds.” I recited what I had been instructed to say.
“Another parrot!” He turned away and rubbed his face with both of his hands. “Parrots all trained by the same eunuch … You all bore me to death.”
“Your Majesty …”
“Don’t dare get near me!”
What should I do? My chance had been ruined before I could begin. My tears welled up. I was afraid to move.
The man lying next to me was absorbed by his own thoughts, and I could sense nothing but tremendous pain and anger in him.
I decided to quit thinking about attracting him. What could a single move of a chess piece do if the game had already been lost? For the past nine days I had stayed up every night practicing the fan dance. I had also taken lessons from An-te-hai on playing the qin. I had managed to learn enough to accompany myself in a few songs. My voice was not that of a nightingale, but it was naturally pleasant and sweet. I never lacked confidence in my voice. If my parents had allowed, I would have pursued a life in opera. When I was about ten, a singer who performed in my house told me that I had potential if I was willing to work hard.
What would I tell my father? How often had he said, “In order to get cubs, one must be daring and enter the tiger’s cave”? I was inside the cave but there were no cubs. I remembered another story he had told me. It was about a family of monkeys who tried to catch the moon’s reflection in the water.