Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [104]
On the other hand, when everybody involved is informed about your involvement, things are often easier. Even if things start out uneasy, being out of the closet offers the possiblity of working toward learning to be more comfortable for everyone involved. If your lover is part of an experienced poly couple, both of them will know their boundaries and be able to let you know what their limits are, which can make for a lot more clarity. If they’re new to this kind of relating, good faith and a willingness to talk through problems can get you through most if not all difficulties.
Your authors have found that we are happiest when everybody knows and acknowledges everybody. Common courtesy is essential, as is scrupulous avoidance of anything that smacks of competition or one-upmanship. Catfights are only fun in porn.
Both of us much prefer to meet our partners’ partners and make friends with them when at all possible. Sometimes they are not entirely sure that they want to be friends with us, and occasionally they’re pretty sure they’d rather not, but with patience and good will, most of them come around. After all, we have at least one thing in common: we both love the same person.
There is no reason why our interests need be opposed to our lover’s partner’s interests. We all want to collaborate on creating a happy outcome where everybody gets respected and everybody gets their needs met and their desires fulfilled. In the long run, we are all on the same side.
The experienced slut can take some initiative in reaching out to frightened partners in a gentle and openhearted way. Some of our best friends over the years were first met in these circumstances. The vulnerablity of feeling jealous or nervous about each other is its own form of intimacy, and friendly feelings may be the most useful response.
Taking care of a partner’s partner by sharing sex with them is optional for both of you. It’s rarely a good idea to get intimate with someone just because they might feel left out, and it is not often sustainable to enter into a relationship that doesn’t interest you in and of itself. Occasionally, you will discover a sweet fit and become lover to a couple, as we will discuss soon. But avoid committing yourself to an interaction that you don’t like very much or don’t want at all. Giving in to someone to assuage jealousy just about never makes the jealousy go away. You can respect your own limits while offering support, warmth, and welcome to your lover’s lover.
A special case: you may find yourself in a relationship with someone whose life partnership is no longer very sexual, whether from the normal cooling of passion as relationships mature, or through illness or disability. When you are dating such a person, do remember to approach their partner with an added measure of care and respect. Such people may be happy that you are keeping their partner happy but still somewhat sorrowful at not being able to fulfill that role themselves. It helps to discover what valuable contributions that person does make, and recognize and honor them.
ROLE-CONSTRAINED RELATIONSHIP
Sometimes your relationship may be defined by the roles you play together, roles that a person’s life partner may not want or enjoy. Your connection could be as simple as a love of watching football on TV or, perhaps more complicated, being the same-sex partner to someone in an opposite-sex marriage. Your shared roles might be about S/M power exchange, erotic roleplaying, exploration of gender, spiritual journeying, or any other sexual sharing that the partnership doesn’t provide. Your shared role makes you part of a family’s ecology, part of what makes it run smoothly, and is