Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [105]
LOVER TO A COUPLE
Sometimes sexual connection comes together quite beautifully between multiple people—a threesome, a quad, or whatever. The very riskiness is exhilarating, and the adventure can be very new and exciting. If you are fortunate enough to have this experience, you can expect to honor the relationship that you are privileged to share in and to be honored as a very special member of that relationship. The sex can be very luxurious—think of all that can be done with those extra pairs of hands!—and feature various configurations of two on one. How delicious to have two people spoiling you, how fascinating to share the active lovemaking with another, a virtuoso trio when you get practiced at it.
There may be times when someone has little to do and could feel left out. When that happens to you, think about how an extra pair of hands might be useful in whatever the other two are doing and gently join in. One time in such a moment, Dossie was temporarily left out while the couple who were her lovers were having intercourse with each other. She felt a little shy, thought about joining in, and then noticed that these two people, who had been together for quite a few years, were amazingly graceful in their deep connection with each other, so Dossie settled in to watch for a while and was quite happy and content just to witness such beauty. When they were through, they welcomed Dossie into their embrace, and further delights occurred that were well worth waiting for.
Do remember that there is privilege in being an outside partner: you can, if you choose, get to be all about fun and leave the heavy stuff to the partners who will go home with one another afterward. Or maybe you’d rather be there to help out when the kids all come down with chicken pox. Whatever fits for you, remember that there is privilege in being the play partner. As one friend of ours puts it, “I get to be dessert!”
GROUPS
When your lover has a whole bunch of partners, making agreements can look like major treaty negotiations and might require some diplomacy. Some groupings have boundaries around who a member may connect with. Perhaps the other members want to meet and approve—that’s an easy one. Some will want outside partners to clearly understand the group’s limits and boundaries, especially about safer sex, which is great. And we are very happy to see that some poly groups are very thoughtful about how they make connection to a new person and are willing to take the time to get things right.
Some groups might want you to join in one way or another—having sex with the group, moving in with the group, becoming part of a group marriage—that may or may not fit for you. You, of course, get to look at what’s being asked and decide if that is what you want, and to define your own desires and limits.
Many initial disagreements can eventually be negotiated if all the parties involved are open-minded and operating in good faith. And if they aren’t, you might be better off learning that right at the start. One friend of ours connected with a person who had two primary partners and wanted our friend as a secondary. But when our friend asked what would happen if he were to acquire a primary partner himself, they said, “Oh, no, that wouldn’t be acceptable.” So our friend opted out.
Most group marriages and circles that we have encountered are much more lightly held and flow easily with new partners who may someday join the group at large, over time and one step at a time. Dossie belonged to one such family when her daughter was a baby. There were no formal membership requirements, and everyone fit together and grew together as they went along, with partnerships forming and separating and reforming on their own timetables, and everyone responsible for the whole gang of children. This adaptive arrangement worked very well for quite a few years—not forever, but for a good, happy, memorable long time.
Single Soliloquy
Dossie writes:
Someone at a workshop once asked me: “Don’t you get lonely, living