Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [20]
When we are attracted to someone who comes from a background different from our own, and we fail to take that difference into account, then we will mess up what could have been a great connection. We think learning about cultures different from our own helps us to learn to think outside of our boxes and that celebrating diversity can hugely expand our range of choices about our own lives.
We recommend, when you are in the company of the unfamiliar, that you look for unfamiliar wisdom. You’ll find lots of it, and it will make you richer.
What Can You Learn?
If thinking about all this makes you kind of nervous, we are not surprised. What you are experiencing is how threatening it feels when the customary boundaries you take for granted, and believe apply to all social and sexual situations, are very different from what you are used to. There are no universally accepted boundaries of gender or attraction among consenting adults, and the limits of sexual exploration are not handed down on stone tablets by some higher authority.
When you look at people who meet your standards of happiness and success without buying into the world’s standards of lifetime heterosexual monogamous pair-bonding, you begin to see how such things can be possible for you too—even if these people aren’t doing it the same way you want to. Recognizing other sexual cultures offers an opportunity to become aware of your own preconceptions and uncertainties. Listen to your fears: they have a lot to teach you about yourself.
Think of Dossie’s old dance club, The Omni. Not knowing what’s what can feel scary—but think of it as a chance to scrap all your preconceptions and start from scratch. It’s only by recognizing all the possibilities out there that you can truly choose the ones that work for you. Then you can be free to figure where you want the boundaries in your life, what your personal limits are, and if you ever want to expand those limits.
Learning and establishing your own boundaries is a great opportunity and a serious responsibility. Accomplishing this amazing task will set you free to explore beyond your wildest dreams.
CHAPTER FIVE
Battling Sex Negativity
FROM THE SLUT’S point of view, the world is sometimes a dangerous place. Lots of people seem to think it is okay to go to any lengths to stop us from being sexual.
Some antisex crusaders try to make loving dangerous for women by outlawing birth control and abortion, leading to unwanted pregnancies and back-alley medical care. Others would outlaw access to sex information, in schools or on the Internet, so that our children cannot learn to care for their health and well-being and have no access to safer-sex training that would teach them how to avoid spreading AIDS. In an appalling development since the first edition of this book, a vaccine that helps prevent cervical cancer in women is being met with resistance from puritans who believe that inoculating a young woman against cancer somehow encourages her to have sex. Some people purporting to have the word from God preach on the public airwaves that AIDS is divine punishment for any sexuality that deviates from what they believe to be normal. We find such preaching far more obscene than any possible form of sex.
There are places where some people believe that being a slut makes you fair game for violence. Why were you walking down that street at night in a short dress or tight pants? No wonder you got raped or assaulted. It must be the victim’s fault. And you look so queer—no wonder that gang decided to beat you up.
We are also considered fair game for other forms of oppression. Multiple sexual partners can be seen as a good reason to take all