Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [21]
Judging Ourselves
We hope this examination of the dangers of sluttery will lead you to ask yourself some questions. What is my experience of oppression and how does it affect me? Who do I have to lie to in my life? What are my closets? As you look deeper, you might ask yourself: what assumptions have I made about how my sexuality should be? Do I hold judgments about what “good” and “nice” people do that I wind up turning against myself?
When we judge ourselves by cultural values imposed from the outside, when women believe they ought to be small and quiet, when gay people believe that their sexual choice is a neurosis, or when we all believe we would be better people if we were able to be monogamous, this is internalized oppression. When we apply these unfair judgments to other people who are like us, when we see our friends as too slutty or too free, this is called horizontal hostility. We suggest you look through chapter 2, “Myths and Realities,” as a checklist, to see where the beliefs that you learned in our sex-negative culture might be getting in your way.
It’s a Harsh World out There
Those of us who choose to run our lives and loves in an unconventional manner should probably be prepared for the fact that many parts of the world will not welcome us with open arms. While there are certainly ways to protect yourself against some social, logistical, and financial consequences, we can’t guarantee that there never will be consequences. It’s not easy being easy.
Ex-spouses, parents, in-laws, and others who don’t share your values about the potential for inclusive relationships may be hostile. Your friendly neighborhood pastor may not be sympathetic, either. Bringing both of your partners to the company picnic is not a good way to ensure your continued ascent through the corporate hierarchy. We recommend extreme caution in choosing who to come out to: yes, we know you’re blissfully happy and want to share your joy with the world, but remember, you can’t un-tell. We know people who have lost jobs, child custody, and more because the wrong people have become aware of their sexual choices.
Some landlords are reluctant to rent to groups that don’t conform to the traditional family structure; although this may be technically illegal, in our experience it’s common, and we suggest that you be prepared to tell a teeny white lie when necessary. (“Why, yes, he’s my adopted brother.”) Some leases contain clauses that allow landlords to terminate rental agreements on the basis of “immoral behavior” or “association with undesirable people” and most allow them to kick you out for illegal behavior—which in some states includes nonmarital sex.
Similarly, your personal love and sex arrangements are best kept out of the workplace: both of us have lost jobs and clients for being who we are. While some cities and states offer some protection to people who are gay, lesbian, or transgender, we are not aware of any that guarantee equal rights for sluts. Unless you are absolutely certain that your employer or your coworker is slut-positive—not just gay, or a swell person with a great fund of dirty jokes, or someone who used to sleep around in college—we recommend a capacious and well-insulated closet.
For information about protecting your legal and political rights as a practitioner of a nontraditional sexual lifestyle, check out the Resource Guide at the end of the book.
Legal Agreements
If you and your partner(s) are living in a somewhat marriage-like structure, with the expectation of sharing property, providing for one another in the event of illness or death, raising children, or running a business together, we strongly recommend official legal documentation of your status and intentions. Terrifying stories of lover kept from lover when one of them is hospitalized, a longtime partner left penniless and