Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [22]
You do not legally own your children, and the legal agreements you can make about them are limited by that fact. You can use your will to express your desires about who will care for your children after your death, but the court may not be obliged to follow your wishes. In some cases a nonbiological parent can adopt a lover’s children as a stepparent. But your children are not property, and you cannot give them to anyone you choose. States that don’t allow same-sex couples to adopt also resist second-parent adoption, meaning if you are a child’s third parent from birth, you have fewer rights than any parent from a second, third, or fifteenth marriage.
Aside from that, it is possible, and not difficult, to make fully legal contracts to document your agreements on relationship issues. A publishing company called Nolo Press specializes in do-it-yourself legal books, complete with forms and step-by-step instructions. Janet and her previous partner chose not to engage in legal marriage although, since they were an opposite-sex couple, they could have done so; instead, they used a Nolo Press book to outline their legal agreements with powers of attorney and wills.
Pay special attention to durable powers of attorney for finance and health care, and to wills. While the law will not support everything an eager slut might want to do with his money and property, your chances of having your desires upheld by the law will be greatly improved if you express them in a formal and legal manner.
If your agreements are particularly complicated, or if things of great value (such as a lot of money or a successful business) are involved, you may want to go beyond the do-it-yourself level and contact an attorney. If you have that kind of money, you probably know more about this than we do. Do try to find an attorney who is open to nontraditional relationships; you can find referral lists in the Resource Guide at the end of the book.
We have neither the space nor the expertise to tell you all the ways that people with nontraditional sexualities can go about setting up their lives—options range all the way from adopting your partner to setting up a business trust, and beyond. But please, don’t assume that your good intentions, heartfelt love, and general wonderfulness will protect you. Sluts don’t have that luxury. Do your homework and get the law on your side.
CHAPTER SIX
Infinite Possibilities
THE FIRST EDITION of this book was subtitled “A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities.” Now that we’re older and a little bit wiser, even that sweeping statement seems a bit limiting: sluthood means infinite possibilities of all kinds, not just the sexual. If you think a “celibate slut” is a contradiction in terms, we have a few surprises in store for you: sluthood lives in the brain, not between the legs, and can fit comfortably and joyously into whatever consensual sexual and relationship pattern you choose.
Asexuality and Celibacy
Folks who say no thanks to sex are becoming an increasingly visible minority. Asexuality refers to people who simply don’t experience sexual attraction, and celibacy to those who feel attraction but prefer, for whatever reason, not to act on it. We think that any kind of sexual freedom must include the freedom to not have sex, without being pestered or pathologized.
Traditionally, celibacy has offered a way for people to focus on intellectual or spiritual concerns, without the distraction of fleshly lusts. If you’re on a religious quest, or working on your doctoral dissertation, or undergoing a major life change, celibacy—short-term or long-term—may offer a valid means of narrowing your focus for a while.
Similarly, people for whom sex or relationships have caused problems may choose a period of celibacy as a pathway toward self-examination: “What kind of person