Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [30]
Are You Really Going to Starve?
When you try to decide what limits you want to the openness of your relationship, it’s not always easy to tell which fears are based on reality and which on fear or illusion. First, you have to pinpoint the areas in your life where you feel insecure, where you perceive the possibility of deprivation—which requires a lot of self-searching and honesty. It helps to ask, “What am I afraid might happen?”
Is your partner’s fondness for his friend really going to make him fall out of love with you? What if your partner doesn’t think you’re special any more? What if your partner is so ecstatically happy that she doesn’t need you? Why would your partner ever want you, anyway? These are some of the horrible little thoughts that pop up in our minds when we’re scared of starving.
You need to decide whether the thing you fear is actually possible or something that probably won’t happen. Then you need to choose what you want to do about it. Frequent check-ins, good communication to keep you aware of whether anyone’s feeling deprived or overextended, and lots of internal reality checks (is your disappointment that he couldn’t get it up really just that, or is it anger or jealousy over his date last night?) can help. We’ll talk later about how to get reassurance and support when you’re afraid.
Limits Can Stretch
Sometimes, you just have to try it and see. The old chestnut “If you love something, let it go” is sentimental, but more than a kernel of truth lies at its core. In the same way that dieters are sometimes counseled to let themselves get hungry in order to see what that feels like and learn that they can survive the feeling, you may need to let yourself feel deprived, simply to prove to yourself that feeling deprived isn’t the end of the world. Sometimes letting go of one pleasure opens your eyes to another that was there from the start; sometimes a new one comes along; sometimes you find out you don’t need it all that much right now anyway. We can’t tell you what letting go will feel like; all we can do is assure you that you will learn something from it. Scary … and satisfying!
Learning new things takes time, so give yourself plenty. It can be useful to get clear with what you are working on learning right now—like how to feel safe and sexy and special when your partner is out on a date—and promise yourself you will learn the next thing, well, next. Every change, small or large, is accomplished one step at a time, so work on this step today, and you’ll be ready for the next one tomorrow or maybe next week—working on today’s step is how you get ready for tomorrow.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Slut Skills
GREAT SLUTS are made, not born. The skills you need to keep yourself and your partners happy and growing get developed through a combination of conscious effort and frequent practice. There are skills you can learn that will help start your adventure on the right foot and keep it on track.
Self-examination, in our opinion, is always a good idea—when you are journeying without a map, having a clear picture of your internal landscape becomes essential. Ask yourself: What do you expect from this way of living your life? What rewards can you foresee that will compensate you for doing the hard work of learning to be secure in a world of shifting relationships? Some people who have already made the journey cite benefits like sexual variety, less dependence on a single relationship, or a sense of belonging to a network of friends, lovers, and partners. The people we interviewed said things like this:
“I get relief from pressure—I don’t have to fulfill every single thing my partner needs or wants, which means I don’t have to try to be somebody I’m not.”
“People have different ways of knowing and understanding things, so intimacy with various people expands my appreciation of the universe.”
“I can have hot erotic experiences without genital sex, and without compromising my emotional monogamy.”
“My lifestyle gives me