Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [31]
“I don’t believe that humans are designed to be monogamous. Monogamy goes against my instincts.”
“I never feel that the grass might be greener on the other side of the fence—I’ve been there.”
“Outside partners are an infusion of sexual juice into my primary relationship.”
As you read this book, and hear some stories about successful sluts, you may discover special benefits for you. What are your reasons for choosing this path?
Alas, many people begin to explore open relationships because their partner is pushing them into it, or because all their friends are doing it and they don’t want to seem prudish. We ask that you get clear within yourself that you’re doing this for you—because it excites you, because it offers opportunities for learning and growth and fun, because you want to. Make no mistake, this can be a rocky road. If you’re navigating it for the wrong reasons, resentment can easily poison the very relationships you set out to improve.
Sexual change can be a path of reprogramming yourself, with the joyous feeling of abundant sex and love as the carrot, and the fear of deprivation, boredom, or self-loathing as the stick. Since we don’t believe that the urge toward monogamy is innate, we think you must have learned your negative sexual feelings and your insecurities somewhere—from your parents, from your past lovers, from your culture. What you have learned, you can obviously unlearn—or learn something new. Exploring your feelings and changing your reactions to them can be difficult, but what a feeling of power and triumph each time you succeed!
Earning Your Slut Merit Badge
The people we know who succeed at ethical sluthood usually have a set of skills that helps them forge their pathway cleanly, honestly, and with a minimum of unnecessary pain. Here are some of the skills we think are important.
COMMUNICATION
Learning to talk clearly, and listen effectively, is critical. A technique for good listening is to listen to what your partner has to say without interrupting, and let him know you heard by telling him what you think he just said. Use this clarification technique before you respond with your own thoughts and feelings. In this way, you make sure you have clear understanding before you go on with your discussion. Similarly, if you’re the one talking, it’s not fair to expect your partner to read your mind—take the time and effort to be as clear and thorough in your explanation as you can, and be sure to include information about the emotions you’re feeling as well as the facts involved.
If your communications often seem to go awry, it might be a good idea to spend some time and effort learning better communication skills: many adult education facilities offer excellent communication classes for couples, and you can check our Resource Guide for further reading.
EMOTIONAL HONESTY
Being able to ask for and receive reassurance and support is crucial. One of Janet’s partners used to request, when Janet was off to a joyously anticipated date with one of her other lovers, “Just tell me I don’t have anything to worry about.” Janet reports that it felt very good to know that he was willing to ask for reassurance when he needed it and that he trusted her to tell the truth about her feelings. If you imagine his feelings if he were insecure and didn’t ask for reassurance, you can see why it’s so important to get your needs met up front.
We have all been afraid to ask, we have all failed to ask, we have all been irked with our lovers when they didn’t read our minds and offer us the reassurance we crave, we have all thought, “I shouldn’t have to ask.” Let’s remember to honor the courage it takes to ask for support, to share vulnerable feelings. Let’s pat ourselves on the back when we do the things that scare us, and then let’s do them some more.
AFFECTION
Similarly, it’s vital to be able to give reassurance and support, both in response to a request and on your own. If you can’t tell your partners that you