Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [42]
Coming Out Slutty
Unless you’re doing your cruising in exclusively poly environments, it is reasonable to expect that the object of your attentions may not (yet) have read this book and may not be familiar with slutty lifestyles. At some point, therefore, you are going to have to get it out there that monogamy is not on your personal menu of options.
We can’t tell you exactly when or how to do this, except that we vote for sooner rather than later. If both of you are just looking for a quick fling or a party scene, it may not be necessary to discuss such matters at all. However, if the fling leads to a second date, that may be the right time to let your new friend know that you’re not interested in going steady, now or ever.
Working this into a normal conversation about software or surfing can be a little tricky, we know. A quick reference to your partners, emphasis on the plural, often does the trick. Or you can start a discussion of relationships in general, in order to get space to express your own opinions and desires.
It may happen that the object of your attention is a devoted monogamist and that you nonetheless find this person extremely attractive. We have some words of advice for polyfolk who fall in love with monogamists in chapter 18, “Couples.”
Cruising Challenges
If you’re standing in the corner of a roomful of people, feeling like you’re the only one there who isn’t part of a happy group and like you’re never going to be able to connect again for the rest of your life, we suggest finding someone else who’s standing in a corner, and starting a conversation. Janet’s favorite opening line for these situations is, “Hi, I don’t know a soul here, can I stand here and talk to you for a while?”
Beyond that simple opening, which gets easier with practice, cruising strategies depend a lot on your own gender and the gender(s) of the people you’re seeking.
FOR MEN
Gay men have their own style of cruising, marked by a straightforward approach based on the understanding that most gay men are able to say “no, thank you” without much discomfort. Without the uncomfortable threat of physical overpowerment that pervades man-on-woman cruising, and free of any requirements beyond following their own desires, gay men often are able to cruise each other with greater reliance on body language and nonverbal cues than their het brothers, confident, as we all should be, that if body language is not understood, they will use their words.
Het men have different challenges. Few women like to be pushed, overwhelmed, or not listened to in the arenas of sex and intimacy. Most women are particularly offended by men who push too hard for private get-togethers or phone numbers, who insistently move the conversation back to sexual topics when the woman has tried several times to change the subject, or who touch them, particularly in a sexual, paternalistic, or covert way, without permission. Sneaky come-ons are a pain; it works better to simply ask, and if you hear a “no,” don’t argue.
Many a man has made the mistake of approaching a woman in the way he thinks he would like to be approached if he were a woman. If you’re not sure if women find your approach too heavy-handed, imagine being approached by a large, strong man using your exact technique and ask yourself how that feels. Successful male cruisers remain sensitive to verbal and nonverbal cues, conveying friendly interest and appreciation for the fascinating human being in front of them.
FOR WOMEN
Most women are not very good at saying “yes,” and not very good at saying “no”—your authors aren’t, and we’ve been practicing both for a long time. We’re not sure how things got to this state, where a woman is just supposed to stand there looking adorable until some big strong hunk comes and makes her decision for her, but we don’t like it much.
Many women, both gay and straight, can benefit greatly from learning to be more assertive in asking for what they want, both during the meeting