Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [43]
FOR COUPLES
Sometimes couples, or an established group of lovers, may be cruising for somebody or somebodies new to play with, in a three-way or more. Cruising as a couple has its advantages—if you strike out, you still have someone to go home with. However, many cruisees are not used to the idea of openly nonmonogamous relationships and may get a little freaked out when you come on to them with, “Hi, I find you very attractive, and so does my wife.” Be reassured that you will also find many lovely people who actually prefer the safety and built-in boundaries of getting it on with one or both members of an established couple … and be prepared to find a goodly number of happy shiny needles in your carefully chosen haystack.
Some couples cruise together for someone to play with in a three-way, while others cruise individually for partners who want to play with one or the other of them. When you’re coupled but cruising solo, please do remember to mention to your cruisee that you have a partner at home. Some people will be delighted to receive this news and others will not, but full disclosure is the ethical part of ethical sluthood.
If you plan to go home with your spouse when it comes time to leave this party, it is courteous to make sure your other beloveds know this in advance. Reassure new contacts by exchanging contact information and, if appropriate, choosing a place and time to get together in the future, like “May I call you tomorrow morning?” or “Would you like to meet for coffee after work?”
Whether you cruise individually or together, you need to work out your agreements beforehand. Who is interested in doing what to whom? Where? When? If one of you is looking for someone to hit the mattress with right there that night and the other wants something permanent (“She followed me home! Can I keep her? Please?”), you may be headed for a major misunderstanding.
Each member of a couple must have the requisite social skills. Depending on your partner to do all the work of introductions, conversation, flirtation, and negotiation is bad for you and bad for your partner. It may also lead to misunderstandings, since few partners are skilled enough communicators to get across all your needs, interests, and personality traits.
A pet peeve of many sluts is the individual who treats one or more of the people involved in a disrespectful or objectifying manner. One example is the couple that sends an innocent-looking woman out as bait, and you may be startled, when you bite, to discover her spouse joining the party. Janet remembers once, in a group sex environment, being invited by a man to help stimulate his female partner. As she happily joined the group, she noticed that the man immediately shifted his focus from his girlfriend to her—ignoring the hapless girlfriend as he grabbed Janet’s breasts. Needless to say, Janet excused herself immediately from this creepy-feeling scene.
It is disrespectful to treat the third party as some sort of oversized marital aid. Many bisexual women we know are driven to distraction by the “hot bi babe” phenomenon—couples who seek them out, not because they’re charming or hot, but because one member of the couple has a fantasy about playing with two women or seeing two women make love as a free peep show.
The fundamental rule for cruising as a couple, or being cruised by a couple, is respect for the feelings and relationships of all concerned. You don’t want to cruise someone who will try to steal you or your partner for his own, and