Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [61]
When you anticipate feeling jealous, make plans to occupy your time. It may be too much to ask that you always have a hot date at exactly the same time as your lover: most people’s schedules are too complicated, so what do you do when your partner’s date comes down with the flu? Do you cancel your date? The people you make these dates with might be counting on you, the time they have with you might be important to them, and their feelings might get hurt. Third parties have a right to some predictability in their lives too.
But even if you can’t round up a hot date for yourself, you can probably find a friend to watch a movie with, talk obsessively (with due attention to confidentiality, of course) on the Internet, grind your teeth, eat cookies, chew your fingernails, whatever works. We do not recommend drinking and drugging, as getting high might very well increase the intensity of your disturbance and disinhibit you enough that you might forget your commitment to experience your jealousy without acting on it. A certain amount of escapism is fine, but if you anesthetize yourself so that you feel nothing at all, you will lose the opportunity to develop skills at dealing with all the feelings you’re having.
Acquiring these skills takes practice, like meditation or learning to skate. At first you feel stupid and wonder why you’re doing it, and it doesn’t work very well. But if you practice taking good care of yourself, after a while your view of the world changes a little, and it becomes a much more friendly and welcoming place, because you’ve created it that way.
EXERCISE Fifteen Ways to Be Kind to Yourself
Write a list of fifteen easy things you can do to be kind to yourself: for instance, “Go to the store and buy myself a flower” or “Soak my feet in hot water and give them a rub.” Sometimes it helps to ask yourself: “What could I do to feel a little bit safer, or better, or taken care of?” Put the items on your list on index cards. The next time you feel upset and could use a kindness, pull a card and do what it says.
WHEN YOU ARE THE THIRD PARTY
All these ideas about taking good care of yourself apply whether you are single or partnered, but those of us who live alone have to make special preparations to avoid becoming isolated with our feelings. (We’ve written about this at much more length in chapter 19, “The Single Slut.”) You need to reach out to close friends or perhaps get to a support group or a munch in your area. Make agreements with friends to listen to each other’s feelings. And don’t forget to plan time for serious communication with your nonresidential partner. Being single, or other than the life partner, does not mean you will never feel jealousy or any other difficult feelings. When we are dating, however intensely, we rarely make time for serious discussions of our feelings, our differences, or, for that matter, how we each understand and appreciate the relationship we are having.
To make time, a lot of poly people place a special value on actually sleeping together, and the sharing of coffee, the slow awakening, and even ordinary old breakfast. If each time you connect with your sweetie is intended to be hot and heavy sex, it can be hard to make space for simple conversation, talking about feelings, hearing feelings. If you don’t sleep together, try getting together for lunch or brunch at some other time, or make a date to hike in the country or on a beach, or visit a botanical garden or a museum.
Tough It Out
When no better plan is available, there is nothing wrong with