Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [62]
I had been casually dating a young man and had told him at great length that I was not available for partnering and had no intention of ever being monogamous again. He came over to visit at my home when my best friend was there, we all got a little stoned, and he came on to her. She thought he was neat and didn’t know I was involved with him, so they started necking right in the middle of my living room. Eeeek! My thoughts went racing as I watched them, thinking: “Well, it’s not like I want to marry him, and I don’t think I feel like joining them, and I don’t think my friend is bisexual anyway, so what do I do?” Miss Manners has said nothing on the appropriate etiquette for this situation. For a while I sat frozen, to tell the truth, and finally I thought to myself, “Okay, so there’s no script, I’ll have to make one up. What would I be doing if my friend and my new lover weren’t rolling around on the floor with their braces locked?” I guessed I’d be finishing taking the notes from the tarot book I was reading, so I went upstairs and studied, gritting my teeth. Focusing on my notes gave me at least a little relief by occupying my mind. Eventually they left, and I got through a strange and lonely night, not feeling necessarily great, but at least proud of myself that I had survived. I felt not at all damaged, really okay. What I got a grip on was my own strength, so … funky as it was, this was my first successful run through jealousy.
GO FOR THE ICK
Here’s a good question to ask yourself as you seek to understand your jealousy: “What are the specific images that disturb me the most?” Chances are you are already imagining along these lines, so you’re not likely to make yourself feel worse by thinking about the scary stuff on purpose.
Those disturbing images, the ones that really bother you, are not telling you what your partner is doing—you actually don’t know what your partner is doing. The images you see in your mind are the perfect reflection of your own fears. One way to come to terms with your fears is to acknowledge them: “Yes, I’m afraid of that.” You can take it even further and work through the fears by envisioning the worst possible scenario that you can imagine. Go ahead, wallow in it. Elaborate it until it becomes ridiculous. Maybe that other guy has a dick three miles long, that girl is a perfect replica of a living Barbie doll. Maybe you can laugh at your fears: that’ll take the sting out of them. Silly is the opposite of powerful, so disempower away.
Reality is almost always less terrifying than fiction. You can counter your fears with reality testing. Our minds, like nature, abhor a vacuum. We get nervous. Think of the last time you were waiting for someone to return a call or a family member was significantly late coming home. Did you call the highway patrol? Send out frantic texts? Imagine terrible possibilities? We all do this. Janet and her partner have an agreement to call each other before they leave a lover’s house for the trip home, just to help prevent this kind of worry.
When we don’t know what’s going on, few of us are able to just say “I don’t know” and stop thinking about it. We fill in the blanks, and in order to do that we make something up. What you see when you fill in the blanks has nothing to do with reality, it is a picture of your own worst fear. So now you know what you are afraid of, and nothing about what is really happening.
Pay attention also to your imaginings that are less dangerous, less anxiety-ridden. This is where you feel safer. You may be surprised to find that imagining your lover in the midst of sex with someone else is less scary than you thought it would be, or maybe images of kissing bother you more than intercourse, or whatever. Try writing down your imaginings on index cards, then putting them in order from the most to the least scary. Then you will know what parts scare you the most and what the safer-feeling