Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [67]
There are some agreements you will need to negotiate beforehand with each of your partners. First, everyone should understand that a time-out is absolutely not about whose fault this is. If what you’re doing or talking about is what triggered the emergency overload, then both of you need to stop doing that in order to stop the adrenaline. Stopping can be difficult: someone is almost certain to feel abandoned, cut off, interrupted, or unheard. Remember, this is for fifteen minutes, not forever.
Since you will probably need to be at least in separate rooms for a few minutes, a prior discussion as to what room each of you might want to be in is a good idea. Where are your computers, your books, your reading chairs? If someone likes to listen to music or watch television, are headphones needed to provide quiet for the other? If someone needs to go outside, it’s useful to agree on a phone call within twenty minutes to check in and make sure everybody’s all right.
Some people like to agree on a safeword to call a time-out; maybe “time-out,” or perhaps “red,” or maybe something silly that might help defuse the anger. If you laugh when you say “pussycat” when an argument has gotten out of control, maybe that’s a good thing.
If you have kids, and they are home, who will be responsible for them? Children may get nervous or want reassurance when the adults fight, which is in no way wrong. But they might feel needy or clingy at a time when you’d rather be free to focus on your own needs.
Make an agreement to honor a time-out with silence. Trying to get in one more thought is likely to trigger another adrenaline release and prolong the problem.
You’ll want to talk these things over with your partner to plan your initial practice at time-out. Then, look for an occasion to practice. You might decide to call a time-out over an issue that is only a little bit disturbing, just for practice.
When you feel your most familiar uncomfortable emotions flaring up and you recognize you’re being triggered—perhaps at the level of irritation or frustration, perhaps rage or grief—call a time-out. Strong emotions often appear very fast and can be very hard to predict, so as soon as you remember the option when you start flooding with feelings, call a time-out.
Wrench yourselves out of the conversation and go to your agreed-upon places. Do whatever you’ve thought might be calming, and not retriggering. Take a few deep breaths and remember to exhale thoroughly; reducing the carbon dioxide in your lungs will help the adrenaline subside. We like activities that occupy the mind—neither of your authors has much luck with meditating when we’re feeling triggered; if you can do it, go for it, but don’t put yourself down if you can’t empty your mind right now. We tend to turn to a novel or magazine, surfing the Internet, solitaire, music, or maybe an old movie. Try to steer clear of things that create more adrenaline: be careful of “shoot-’em-up” games or music with violent lyrics. Some people do very well with dancing out anger to raging hip-hop, while others find it too stimulating. You will learn from experience what works for you.
You might want to write out your feelings, or draw them. The quality of the art is irrelevant; this is for you. One of your authors has journal sessions that start with frankly insane projections complete with terrible accusations and gradually grow into a remarkably nonjudgmental investigation of what she and her partner were fighting about, sometimes ending with new insights about what upset her so much.
After fifteen minutes, check in with yourself—are you feeling better? Your time-outs could take longer the first few times until you learn what works for you and gain some confidence in your process.
When you are ready to come back together, do something easy and comforting. Go for a walk in a park, or get your favorite takeout, or cook something together, or watch