Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [68]
The process of a time-out is seldom elegant, pretty, or even remotely resembling okay. We need to take time-outs when we are in emotional overwhelm and definitely not at our best. Be ready to forgive each other for being human. Be ready to forgive yourself. The results are well worth it when you come back together ready for harmony and understanding.
Win-Win Solutions
A good fight starts with the understanding that in order for a fight to be successful, both people have to win. If one person wins a fight and the other loses, the problem that caused the fight has not been resolved. It is naive to imagine that just because you’ve “lost,” you’ve given up your interest in whatever issue is at stake. When you feel overpowered, outgunned, or shouted down, you will be resentful, and the problem will go on being a problem. The only real way to win is to come to a solution where all parties concerned feel that they have won. So in a good clean fight, each person’s feelings get heard and considered, and solutions are decided on by agreement, not rhetorical “might makes right.”
We make a fight fair by agreeing on rules and limits, and by respecting everyone’s right to express their feelings and opinions, including our own. It is usually helpful to schedule a time to fight and make an agreement to do so; it does not promote constructive hostilities if we waylay our partner in the bathroom or on the way out the door to work. We need to schedule discussions at a time when we can give them our full attention.
Scheduling fights has the added advantage that you can prepare for them, organize your thoughts, and know you have a time when this particular issue will be dealt with. If you feel bad about the grocery bills on Tuesday, and you know you have a date to fight about it on Thursday, it’s pretty easy to put your stuff aside until then. Most people don’t put their stuff aside very well when it seems that their issues will never get dealt with.
“Whaddaya mean, schedule a fight? Don’t they just erupt, like volcanoes? And when we have a fight, we are not likely to obey any rules or respect any limits, right? Aren’t we talking about intense emotional outbursts?” Well, yes, we are, but we don’t believe that you can settle any issues when you are in an intense emotional state. When your feelings erupt, it is important to acknowledge them and pay attention. However awkwardly you may be expressing yourself, this is your truth; you obviously feel strongly about it, so it’s an important truth.
I-Messages
Good communication begins with everybody talking about their feelings, long before they get to discussing the pros and cons of any solutions. Good communication is based on identifying our feelings, expressing them, and getting validation that our partner hears and understands what we are saying, whether or not they agree. Emotions are not opinions, they are facts—truths about what people are experiencing.
Try speaking in sentences that begin with “I feel.” There is an enormous difference between saying “you are making me feel so bad” and “I feel so bad.” The I-message is a pure statement of feeling, and there is no accusation in it. When your lover doesn’t feel attacked and doesn’t need to feel defensive, he or she is free to listen to what you’re actually saying. Conversely, if your sentence starts with “you,” and especially with “you always,” your partner may well perceive an attack and respond defensively.
The words “I feel” then need to be followed with an emotion—sad, mad, glad, angry—or a physical feeling like queasy, tense, wound-up, shaky. Messages that begin with “I feel that” more often express a belief than a feeling, as in “I feel that we should not be enjoying so much sex,” or a covert you-message, like “I feel that you are crazy.” We are often tempted to describe our emotions in words that end in “-ed,” as in “I feel judged/attacked/betrayed.” This is a covert you-message: “You are judging/attacking/betraying me.”
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