Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [73]
We’re still working out the bugs—among other things, we’re hoping to become parents pretty soon, and we’re not sure how a baby will affect our relationship. But our agreements have always been at least tolerable, and at times they’ve offered a relief valve that’s kept us from fleeing the relationship in terror!
Chris and Laurie have had two children in the eleven years since this interview and are still together and still happily slutty.
Consent
So what constitutes a good agreement? In our opinion, the single most important hallmark of agreement is consent, which we define as “an active collaboration for the pleasure and well-being of all concerned.” In the case of polyamory, this consent often includes that of people not directly involved—other partners, children, and other people whose lives are affected by our agreements.
Defining consent can sometimes be tricky. If someone consents under pressure, we don’t think that meets the “active collaboration” criterion. And you can’t consent to something you don’t know about: “Well, you didn’t say I couldn’t fly to Boise for two weeks with this flight attendant I just met” does not constitute consent.
In order to achieve this kind of active consent, it is critical that everyone involved accept responsibility for knowing their own feelings and communicating them—but this isn’t always easy. Sometimes feelings don’t want to be pulled to the surface and examined—you may simply know that you feel bad. Give yourself the time and support you need to get to know that feeling, perhaps using some of the strategies we discuss in chapter 13, “Roadmaps through Jealousy.” If you feel that you need help in defining what’s going on for you, it’s okay to ask for that help, possibly by asking a partner or a more neutral friend who understands multiple relationships to devote some time to hearing you out. Physical or verbal reassurance often makes a huge difference, and sometimes a wise friend or therapist can ask the right questions to help you untangle a complicated feeling. Once you start listening to your own feelings, you’ll have a much easier time getting your needs and desires out there where everybody can hear them and make agreements to help meet them.
Most of us need some support in asking for what we want. When we are involved in making agreements, we need to feel sure that the needs we reveal will not be held against us. Most of us feel pretty vulnerable in and around our emotional limits, so it’s important to recognize that these limits are valid: “I need to feel loved,” “I need to feel that I’m important to you,” “I need to know that you find me attractive,” “I need you to listen and care about me when I feel hurt.”
Blaming, manipulation, bullying, and moral condemnation do not belong in the agreement-making process. The process of making a good agreement must include a commitment from all concerned to listen to one another’s concerns and feelings in an open-minded and unprejudiced way. If you are waiting for your partner to reveal a weakness so that you can exploit it into ammunition to “win” your argument, you are not ready to make a satisfactory agreement.
Legalistic hairsplitting is another enemy of good agreements. We know one couple whose agreement was that either of them would let the other one know within twenty-four hours if they were going to have sex with someone else. One of them called the other one from another city to let her know that he’d had sex with someone else the night before. “But you said you’d give me twenty-four hours’ notice!” she cried angrily. “I never said twenty-four hours before,” he pointed out. This loophole-finding legalistic behavior left neither individual feeling that their agreement had worked for them. The moral: