Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [74]
Agreements need to be realistic and clearly defined—if you’re not sure whether you’re keeping an agreement, it may be time to redefine that agreement. It is unrealistic, for example, to ask your partners never to enter into sexual interactions with people that they care about “too much.” There is no way to define “too much,” and few of us conceive of our polyamorous utopia as a world in which you are only allowed to share sex with people you don’t care about at all. None of us can truthfully agree to feel only this way or that way: our agreements need to have room in them for real emotions, whatever they may be. A more concrete agreement would be to limit outside dates to once a month, which might serve the same purpose.
Agreements do not have to be equal. People are different and unique, and what pushes my buttons might be perfectly okay with you. So one person might find it very important that his partner not stay out overnight, whereas said partner might actually enjoy an occasional opportunity to watch the late movie all alone and eat crackers in bed. One friend of ours says,
Bill and I have very different needs when it comes to relationships. I feel no need to be monogamous; I’m quite comfortable having sex with people I like, but they’re not affairs of the heart—whereas his sexual connections are either very casual, like at parties, or very deep and long-term. We’ve formed agreements that meet both of our needs—mine for friendly partners and fuck buddies, his for long-term secondary relationships.
Fairness does not mean perfectly equal. Fairness means we care about how each person feels and make agreements to help all of us feel as good as possible.
When thinking about agreements for an open relationship, most people start out by listing what their partner should not do: don’t kiss her on the mouth, don’t treat him better than you do me. Some “thou shalt nots” are necessary: agreements need to be made, for example, about sexual connections with relatives, neighbors, and coworkers. But many negative agreements are really about protecting your partner from feeling hurt or jealous, and we’re not big fans of these, although we recognize that they sometimes have their place as an intermediate step. We think that the best agreements to protect your partner from emotional pain are positive: let’s have a special date next weekend, I will find time to listen to you when you hurt, I’ll tell you how much I love you again and again.
Everyone needs a sense of emotional safety to succeed at feeling secure in open relationships, but thinking up agreements that will help both partners feel emotionally safe can be confusing. In the process of unlearning jealousy we will all at some time be asking our partners to take some risk, to agree to feel some painful feelings, to fall down a few times in order to learn how to ride the emotional bicycle of truly free love.
EXERCISE Eight Steps to Win-Win Conflict Resolution
Take time out to ventilate anger.
Select one issue to work on.
Make an appointment to talk.
Each person takes three minutes to state how they feel while their partner listens. Hint: Use I-statements, avoid you-messages, and consider allowing time between each person’s statement. Try as hard as you can to describe your emotions about the issue.
Brainstorm. Write a list of all possible solutions, even silly ones.
Edit the list. Cross out any suggestions that either person feels they could not live with.
Choose a solution to try for a specific period of time—perhaps two to four weeks.
Re-evaluate when that time is up.
One way you can make agreements to respect emotional limits is to ask for whatever might make you feel a little bit safer—reassurance, compliments, affection, a special ritual for homecoming after a date—and then when that works and you feel a little safer, take another step toward even more safety, and soon you will feel safe enough to expand your explorations further