Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [75]
The single most important thing to remember about agreement making is that the purpose of an agreement is to find a way in which everybody can win.
Some Agreements
We’ve done some asking around among our friends and colleagues to find out what kinds of relationship agreements have worked for others. Here is a partial list of agreements we’ve heard from some very successful sluts.
Notice as you read it how many different kinds of agreements it contains—some are sexual, some are relationship-oriented; some thou shalts and some thou shalt nots; some logistical and some sentimental. Just so you know that we’re not recommending any of these, you should also note that some are mutually exclusive. We’re presenting this list as a discussion opener, not as how it ought to be. Everybody has to make some agreements about sexual health and safer sex.
We always use condoms and barriers for all possible fluid exchanges.
We always spend the night together except when one of us is traveling.
I’ll watch everyone’s kids this weekend, you do it next weekend.
Neither of us will [specific sexual act] with other partners.
Either of us can veto the other’s potential other partners.
We always provide advance notice of potential other partners.
Don’t tell me about other partners.
Tell me everything you did with other partners.
Other partners must be same-sex/opposite-sex.
We always meet each other’s partners—no strangers.
Outside sex will only be: group sex / party sex / anonymous sex / committed sex …
We must check in with each other to confirm safety after a get-together with a new partner.
Everybody chips in for the babysitter.
We see others on Friday nights only.
Saturday nights are for us.
Be sure to save some hot sexual energy for me.
Sex with other partners is off limits in our bed/house.
We set limits on phone calls, Internet time, etc., with other partners.
We establish quality time with each other.
We establish agreements about who can talk about what to whom.
Don’t take off the ring I gave you.
Little gifts and cards help me feel less abandoned.
Who is too close to have sex with? Neighbors? Schoolmates? Coworkers? Close friends? Former lovers? Your doctor? Your lawyer? Your partner’s therapist? Your sibling? …
We’ll spend an hour cuddling and reconnecting afterward.
Predictability
Our experience is that we need some kind of predictability to deal with the stresses of open relationships. Most people can handle a nervous-making situation much better if they know when it is going to happen and when it is going to be over. You can plan to do something supportive with a friend, go to a movie, visit Mom, whatever—and tell yourself that you only have to handle things for this chunk of time, and then your sweetie will come back and maybe you can plan a celebratory reunion.
Most people have a hard time dealing with surprises, which can feel like land mines exploding. Very few of us would be comfortable living with the possibility that our partner might go home with someone else at any time, from any party we go to, from the restaurant where we thought we were just going for a cup of coffee—no place, no time would be secure. One partner of our acquaintance was working across the country from his spouse during a time when he was first struggling to deal with his jealousy. He made an agreement to know when his partner was playing with someone else because, as he put it, “If I know when she is out with someone else, I also know when she isn’t, and then I can relax most of the time.”
If you feel that planning takes too much of the spontaneity out of your life, then think about declaring one night or one weekend a month to be open season—then you can make a decision whether to join your