Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [76]
When There Is No Agreement
There are probably a lot of things in your life on which you feel no need to reach agreement. Everyone deals with differences in relationships all the time, as any night person married to a morning person can tell you. However, lack of agreement can feel less comfortable in the close-to-the-bone field of sexual relationships. When feelings run high, particularly about sexual issues, it’s easy to want to believe that your way is right and that all other ways are wrong.
One way to avoid the trap of turning a difference into a moral argument is to look carefully at ownership: who owns what in this disagreement anyway? What is A’s investment in this particular choice, how is B feeling different about it, and what are we afraid might happen if we can’t agree? Try to get really clear on how each person feels before you even think about what you want to do about this issue at hand. Understanding your own and your partner’s emotions will lead to new and better ideas for agreements or resolution.
It can help to remember that you have been living with differences and disagreements with everyone in your life ever since you met them. When you discover a sexual difference with one person, it has probably been there all along, and yet you still like each other and share a lot of good stuff. Remember that you’ve been getting along fine without this particular agreement. If you’ve made it this far, you can live with the lack of agreement a little longer. Let time be your friend, and when difference is difficult, allow yourselves the time to thoroughly explore the feelings that are driving the disagreement and arrange to lead a rewarding life while you do it. You really can agree to disagree. Between the “yes” of full agreement and the “no” of full disagreement is a whole big gray area of no-agreement-yet, or tolerable-disagreement, or even who-cares?
Sometimes you will eventually find it possible to make an agreement, and other times you won’t. Occasionally, however, you will hit an area in which agreement is both necessary and impossible. For many people, the whole issue of nonmonogamy may be one of these; childbearing is another frequent point of contention. We suggest flexibility, and compromise seeking, possibly with the help of a qualified therapist.
But if agreement simply cannot be reached, we think the skills you learned in trying to reach agreement can come in very handy as you practice not-blaming, not-judging, and not-manipulating, as you work to change or even end a relationship that cannot reconcile its differences.
Some people agree to end a relationship and then discover that later on, when the stress of parting has eased, they can agree on a new kind of relationship with the same person. Others cannot. But either way, forthright and open-hearted discussion of disagreements and agreements will lead to a cleaner and less stressful outcome.
MAKING SPACE FOR DIFFERENCE
You and your sweetie might have different visions about what polyamory will be for you. For one person, it could be a lot of recreational sex, one-night stands, or party play; another might yearn for one primary and one special secondary relationship. Some people enjoy many relationships that make extended families out of their lovers and their lovers’ lovers; others look for a three- or four-person group marriage.
Negotiating difference, however, can be done and is being done successfully every day. So what if one person wants S/M, or tantra, or wild orgies, and the other wants walks on the beach at sunset? Once you’ve opened your relationship to other people who may be more accepting of those desires, anything is possible—Dossie has worked with a number of couples with these kinds of differences. Agreements may be asymmetrical, to account for different desires and different feelings, and each individual may need a different kind of reassurance. The relationship-lover may feel shy