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about sex. It may be that one or both of you has kept silent about some aspect of your sex that isn’t working right, out of some sense of trying to protect your partner’s feelings. Silence will not help: the loving way to treat a sexual problem is to work together on fixing it, and your partner can’t join you if you won’t say what’s wrong. If your partner tends to stop that perfect stroke right when it’s getting good for you or initiates orgasm-seeking activity long before you’re ready, you have to ask for what you want or else you are going to get frustrated and eventually resentful. And if you’ve never told your partner what you need to make you happy, you are depriving both of you of a blissful sex life. Similarly, when your partner has a concern, please don’t take it as a deliberate blow to your sexual self-esteem. Most of us have to learn what our partners like from our partners—there are no clever tricks that work for everyone.

Pay attention to practical matters. Has sex become uncomfortable or painful? The first step here, too, is communication. If your back hurts in some positions, talk to your partner and choose some positions that are comfortable for both of you. Bad disks are not very sexy, but a pillow under the hips or the belly can change what gets strained or stretched. If friction feels unpleasant, pick up samples of some nice lubricants (many erotic boutiques sell sample packs), test them out to find your favorite, and enjoy yourselves. Lubricant is an asset to vaginal play for many women, and an absolute necessity for women in midlife and beyond, or for any form of anal play. If you haven’t tried it before, you’ll be stunned at how good it can feel for both parties. If penetration still hurts, get a medical checkup to deal with anything that needs medical attention. And if you both want penetration, but his penis isn’t cooperating, consider trying one of the prescription medications now available to help maintain the hard-on once you’ve taken care of the turn-on. Once you start talking about physical issues that can affect sex, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how many of them are easy to fix.

Alcohol and other intoxicants are not really your friend. Although a small amount of wine or whatever may help you feel less inhibited, nervous people tend to overindulge, and getting hammered will leave you unable to feel anything at all and no fun to play with. We are going for sexual consciousness, not sedation.

For more problem-solving information, we have listed some good books about sex in the Resource Guide at the end of this book, and you can call or email San Francisco Sex Information (also in the Resource Guide) to discuss your question with a trained peer counselor.

DESIRE

Both men and women can develop some resistance to sex, either from fear of not doing it well themselves or from disappointment in not getting their needs or their dreams fulfilled. Once any part of sex has become difficult, if it isn’t discussed and dealt with, resentments can build up. Responding to resistance by getting so pushy that you’re ignoring your partner’s signals to knock it off is definitely not an answer. Sweeping someone off their feet when they don’t want you to only works in movies. Avoid treating your partner as a resource for getting your rocks off: just because you got married does not mean you have a right to demand sex whenever you want it. What you can do is invite your partner to collaborate with you on a meander through the garden of earthly delights and discover what pleases both of you.

It is very rare that both partners have exactly the same desire for sex—that would be like insisting that you and your partner should have identical patterns of tidiness. To get through times when one partner is hungry for sex and the other is starving for sleep, a positive attitude toward masturbation is an utter plus. Sex with yourself doesn’t mean you’re a failure, it means that you enjoy yourself; it can make your relationship a lot easier, especially when you don’t have to hide it. One of your authors regularly goes