Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [86]
So your first slut skill in keeping it hot is to talk to each other about the practical aspects of what works for each of you and scheme together to overcome any problems. Knowledge is the most powerful aphrodisiac.
EXERCISE The Great Sex Story
Write a story about the best sex you ever had with your life partner. Get into the details, describes the sensations: the sounds, the smells, the pounding pulse, and such. Both of you write your stories—it might be a different episode, and that’s fine—and then share them. Talk about what made it so good for you.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Some couples develop a groove, a satisfying script for sex that reliably works for both of them. Experimenting with new sensations in your sex life doesn’t mean giving up your groove, but rather adding some new tricks to your excellent repertoire. What’s already a good thing will remain good, and you will return to it again and again like a well that has very sweet water.
If the groove has become a rut, if it feels like a chore, if it is a source of repeated disappointment, it’s time to talk about expanding your options. Now might be a good time to do the “Yes, No, Maybe” exercise in chapter 21, “Sex and Pleasure,” being sure to include things that you’ve never tried but might like to. Looking at your partner’s list may be a mite shocking for starters—“I never knew you hated that!”—but after you recover from any surprises, you get to start into the future with a lot of really useful information about what works for both of you.
Compare your patterns of desire, and particularly look at the spectrum from brief encounters to production numbers. Do you like to have friendly, warm, cuddly sex on weeknights? Swift rocket trips surging to release? Do you dream of ecstatic journeys that could take up most of Saturday and maybe some of Sunday morning? Good sex travels the range from what Dossie calls “bread and butter” sex, the nourishing part of every meal, to fancy desserts that take enchanting hours to concoct. Production numbers obviously can’t happen every day, but luckily you don’t have to choose—you can have some of each.
Start by setting aside some time for pleasure—this may be harder than you think, but it’s very important. Waiting until the kids are in bed, the emails are answered, the chat lists have been checked, and you’ve watched the evening news and clucked over the terrible state of the world is a recipe for disappointment. Schedule it the way you’d schedule anything else that’s important to you, at a time when you’re most likely to have plenty of energy for it, and stick to your schedule whenever possible.
EXERCISE List of Dates
Many couples in the hectic rush of things to do—children to raise, walls to paint, gardens to hoe, groceries to buy—find that it has been a long time since they spent time together for the purpose of having fun. Make a list of dates you could plan—beaches, brunch, dancing, games, sports, wrestling matches, that new restaurant—and figure out what you would need to do to make them happen. You and a partner or partners could make that list together, or you could each make a list. Try for at least five items.
Then start scheduling. When you realize how hard that is, then you are also finding out how precious time spent with your partner truly is. An afternoon on a mountain is an important investment in your relationship.
FINDING YOUR TURN-ON TOGETHER
Turn-on is not the same thing as hard-on. Turn-on is about getting into the mood, about getting ready to focus on sensual and eventually sexual sensation.
Too many of us believe that turn-on is something that happens to us like the weather. Here’s an affirmation for you: “I know my turn-on is in here somewhere, and I can figure out how to find it.”
Turn-ons may be visual, verbal, or sensual; they may rely on touch, sound, smell, or the sensations of muscles stretching and