Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [98]
We suspect that couples living separately will not be that different in their sexual lifestyles from those who live together. It can, however, make being together much more of a special occasion, so people tend to respect these times and be willing to invest a little effort into making them special.
Many couples date for some period of time, perhaps even years, before moving in together. Are they then to be considered couples who lived separately by choice, or were they merely getting ready for the “real” stuff? Some couples, after dating for a very long time, may look at what living together would look like and decide that it would be a bad idea—maybe all those differences would work out better in separate spaces. This decision can be hard to make in a society where living together is practically the definition of relationship.
One question people often ask such couples is: “Then how do you know you’re a couple?” They know by how they feel about each other and, by extension, how much of their lives they are sharing. We’d like to see a world where all of our relationships are honored and valued and where it is understood that a couple’s love and their journey together is in no way less important just because it occurs in two houses rather than one.
Relating to Third Parties
Your relationship with your lover’s lovers brings up points of etiquette that Emily Post never dreamed of. One couple we talked to noted, “It’s important that we not be totally grossed out or disgusted by one another’s lovers—especially if it’s going to be long-term, it helps if we can all be friends.”
Dossie notes,
I was once in a relationship with a man who had a primary partner whom I had not met. I had asked to meet her, and she was considering whether she felt safe enough to do that. Their arrangement was that when Patrick had a date with me, Louisa would make a date with her other lover, and everybody would, hopefully, feel safe and taken care of. Unfortunately, Louisa’s other lover frequently stood her up, and then Patrick would stand me up, which I began to find unacceptable. This was the first time I had asserted any right to consideration of me as the outside lover—we are so used to seeing the outsider as the home wrecker that we rarely think to protect that person’s feelings. With much back and forth, and after the promised meeting, Louisa finally agreed that Patrick could see me whether or not she had a date, and we would make sure that she got plenty of advance notice, that he got home on time, and that she got lots of support from both of us. As we worked through this, Louisa and I got closer and closer—I particularly remember one night when we were worried about Patrick and sat up late talking about him while he slept in the next room. Louisa and I became best friends and went into business together, putting on workshops and theater presentations. We all three traveled together and had a wonderful time. Patrick and I wound up growing apart as lovers, but the friendship between Louisa and me carried on.
Should you meet the third party? We vote yes: if you don’t, you’ll almost certainly wind up imagining someone cuter, sexier, more predatory, and more threatening than anyone could be outside a Hollywood erotic thriller. Besides, who knows?—you might wind up liking him or her.
Do your best to fall in like. If you take against one of your partner’s lovers, things can get very messy, and happy balances can get hard to find. We sometimes regard lovers whom we do not instantly adore the way we do in-laws. We may not exactly love our brother’s wife, or our mother’s new husband, but we recognize that this person has joined our family and has rights and feelings just like everybody else, so we find ways to be cordial at the various gatherings that we all attend.
Some of our best friends are people we met because someone we were fucking was fucking them too. You may even find yourself considering forming