Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [99]
On the other hand, we sometimes see sluts who feel that they have to be sexual with their lover’s lovers. In some cases, both parties in a partnership have an agreement to play with a third party only together. Such agreements require that both partners have veto power over potential thirds—being sexual with someone you find unattractive or unpleasant is a very bad idea for you and for them. On the other hand, basic slut ethics should not allow you to abuse this power to prevent your partner from having sex with anyone at all by vetoing everybody: a strategy that may seem tempting, because until you unlearn jealousy, all outside engagements can look very threatening. Sometimes you need to gather up your strength, face down your fears, and unlearn by doing.
You may simply feel that since your partner likes and lusts after this person so much, you should too—to assuage your partner’s guilt or to satisfy some obscure sense of fairness. Please don’t. If you simply don’t feel hot for your squeeze’s squeeze, don’t let yourself be driven into a position where you feel you have to fuck out of politeness: there are many other excellent ways for people to relate to one another. Cook a nice dinner, go to the movies together, play cards together, or find some other way to help this person feel accepted into your life.
Which brings up an important question: how much responsibility do you have for helping your lover’s lovers feel secure and welcome? We’ve both spent many long telephone conversations reassuring our lovers’ lovers that, yes, it’s really okay, and have a great time, honey. We think that your own needs should be of primary importance to you, and if you really just can’t be welcoming and supportive then simple civility can suffice. On the other hand, we also think it’s gracious to be as friendly as you can without having to grit your teeth and force a smile. At minimum, we suggest that you try to provide some reassurance that this is not a competition, that you are not being harmed by anything that’s going on, and that you are able to take care of your own emotions—in other words, a promise to own your own stuff and not blame the third party. After all, such people come into your life because you share something very important: the belief that your partner is the hottest thing on legs. They presumably have better things to do with their time and energy than sitting around plotting how to destroy your happiness.
Some couples take meeting and interviewing prospective partners very seriously, and we suggest this strategy when your model of polyamory requires that you include any new partner in your family. People with children, for instance, care a lot about who comes home to the house and could wind up as an uncle or an auntie to your kids. Some poly people will not consummate sex with a lover until all these issues have been dealt with, and those are fine decisions to make if they fit your lifestyle: long engagements can be a very good idea.
After the crush is over, some people will find a long-term place in your life, often unexpected, like the lover who has become your kid’s favorite uncle or your partner’s business partner. Others may leave, and when they leave with warm feelings, they may come back again in the future, when once again there is a place for them in your life or for you in theirs. Thus the infinitely