Executioner's Song, The - Norman Mailer [181]
Baby I'm a man-l know what guys want. I don't want you having all of them men friends.
Nicole had been living with true intentions, but she still went to bed with Cliff and Tom a couple of times in that long month of September, and it was hell afterward to visit Gary and shy away from the subject. Finally she decided that the only way she'd be able to find out if she loved Gary enough to be able to break through these fucking sloppy habits was to tell him one more time. So when she read, "you smelled of beer," Nicole got her nerve together, and bought some stationery in Waleen's and wrote him a long loving letter with everything rich and sweet she could put into it, and then at the end, as if she didn't want to spoil the good stationery, she picked up a paper napkin from the soda counter, and added a few words. Tried to say, When I get into situations, it isn't anything. Nothing is happening.
Finally, she wrote, "Why not just say what I mean? Gary, nobody is ever going to fuck me but you."
Sept. 28
Baby the jailer just brought me your letter. You're always writing and telling me about getting fucked, getting fucked, getting fucked, getting fucked. Everybody fucks Nicole. Everybody. Everybody picks her up hitchhiking or sees her 3 or 4 times a week just for the vibes the beautiful vibes feel the beauty just friends just company don't even have to know her just sit and listen to her talk about how much she loves Gary then fuck her. Goddam motherfuckin son of a goddam bitch.
That was a neat napkin you wrote. "But man Baby you must understand what I mean by friends these friends are those that come to see me again and again for company and have not once demanded physical or mentally my physical attentions."
You write me that goddam motherfuckin lie . . . just sat down and wrote me that fuckin lie and signed it love. If you feel so much motherfuckin sympathy for someone that you'll fuck him why oh Jesus Jesus Jesus fucking Christ Goddam Goddam fucking damn Baby Jesus Christ help me to understand. I don't look at life like that. I've never been in love before I've been locked up all my fuckin life I guess I'm emotionally crippled or something cause I'm one person that can't share his woman. Other people might be able to do that, might not give a fuck if somebody fucks what is theirs but I'm Gary. Somebody fucked you. Somebody kissed you. Somebody kissed you saw your eyes roll back, well, I guess its your bod and your life.
Fuck everybody in Utah if you want to. What do I care? What do I care? I care all. I care everything.
Nicole-is my love not enough to suffice for even one small lifetime-my love for you can it not be enough? Do you have to give your body, yourself? Your love to other men? Am I not enough? I can't fuck. I'm locked up. Why can't you go without too?
Don't fuck those "lovely" cocksuckers that want to fuck you.
They make me want to commit murder again and I hate to feel that kind of thing. Get those bastards away from our life. Get rid of those motherfuckers. I'll feel like murder it doesn't necessarily matter who gets murdered. Don't you know that about me? Murder is just a thing of itself, a rage and rage is not reason-so why does it matter who vents a rage. That's the first time I've consciously acknowledged that insane truth. Perhaps I'm beginning to grow . . . grow with me.
Love me. Teach me. Learn from me. Softly grow stronger with me. 0 Fair Nicole.
Jesus what a letter. I guess them ghosts will attack me tonite. I can't stand the thought of some son of a bitch fucking you. You know what hurts so bad? Not only the thought of you getting fucked sucking some motherfucker's cock all the way down your throat but they kiss you too. And you would have to kiss them back, put your arms around them AND FUCK GODDAM THAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER JESUS CHRIST makes me wish I could erase the whole world. Cause all creation to cease to be. My Nicole? My Nicole? Who's Nicole? Take your life? Thats what you wrote you said you fucked one guy twice. I think that's what you said I ain't gonna read it again. Why not just