Executioner's Song, The - Norman Mailer [190]
Later, he winked at her. It didn't seem to mean anything to him. Like he'd had a vicious spasm and it was gone.
But she didn't sleep all night. In the morning, after leaving the kids with her neighbor, she dozed some, and woke up feeling dopey, and her body out of sorts.
Sure enough, when she got to the courtroom, he couldn't have been happier to see her. He had completely forgotten the day before.
Nicole just sat there in a trance. She didn't even know what was going on. At the end of the day, she felt further away from Gary than at any time since their worst days in Spanish Fork.
That night Sue came over and announced she would take Nicole out and get her drunk. Cheer her up.
Nicole realized she really wanted to get loose, really wanted to dance. It wasn't all that good of an idea, but there was Sue. Nicole let herself be taken out.
They passed through the Silver Dollar and went on to Fred's Lounge. Nicole liked the tension in the place. A lot of Sundowners were around, and she danced with a couple of them and liked them.
Dapper, the way they stroked a pool ball.
One fellow who was real together told her that he was an ex-president of the Sundowners in Salt Lake. A sweet talker. He was good looking, and fun to dance with. But she kept going back to her own table, and sipping on her vodka and grapefruit juice.
Then Sue disappeared, and Nicole was left alone with all her own business to mind. That was when the ex-president started talking about going over to Salt Lake. Nicole thought she would like to see what that club was all about. For years, she'd been hearing about the Sundowners' house in Salt Lake. Maybe she'd get a little bit loose and meet the people.
She tried to think clearly about where this might end. It was already two in the morning. It would take nearly an hour to get to Salt Lake, then there would be more of a party there. She figured daylight would arrive before there'd be trouble.
Sure enough, when they got to Salt Lake, she just sat around and listened to people, talked a little bit, lit up, drank beer, just got wasted in a nice quiet way. She felt sleepy, sitting on the sofa, an old beat-up ragged sofa, It was all right at that clubhouse, a place to enjoy the vibes, sort of like a bar set up right in the living room, and a bunch of motorcycles in the living room too. Their beat-up old carpet had a little gas and oil on it. She just closed her eyes a few times and maybe nodded off. It must have been five in the morning when she said, "I want to get some sleep."
The ex-president talked her into going downstairs, and that felt kind of safe. It was just a big room with mattresses, and people crashing all over. Maybe some of them were getting it on. Too murky to see. She started to wake up a little, and wonder how the hell she was going to get out of Salt Lake by herself. Then the guy got down on the same mattress, and there was no way she could make him understand that she had no desire. Whatever she tried to say bounced off. He just kept asking why she had her clothes on and he didn't.
She tried to compromise her way out of it, but he had had too much grass. Couldn't get off that way. She finally had to let him in. She really blew the idea that she was going to be faithful to Gary in life and in death.
When she woke up, she felt as raw as she had ever felt. She wasn't scared that Gary would find out, she was just scared, period.
She was living in this awful place inside herself where everything was shitty. She would have cried but it would have made the most awful crappy moaning sound.
That was a long morning. She had to get the ex-president of the Sundowners waked up to take her back to Court, and she didn't get in until it had started. Riding from Salt Lake to Provo on the back of his bike, she knew that she would never lie about this to Gary if he asked, but she