Executioner's Song, The - Norman Mailer [191]
Riding behind this strange guy's back, she decided that she would never sleep with another guy for the rest of her life.
She never would let herself get into anything again that would make her feel this uneasy personally. One of these days, on one of her visits, Gary might look her in the eye and ask if she had made it with anybody. She did not know if she could tell him the truth. She didn't want to think of the damage it would do inside to him and to her if she actually lied point-blank while looking right into his face.
She had enough worms right now.
MR. ESPLIN Your Honor, we request that the courtroom be cleared for this matter. It's a matter of some delicacy.
THE COURT Mr. Gilmore, do you request that the courtroom be cleared?
MR. GILMORE Yes.
THE COURT I will do so. I'll ask everyone to leave except Court personnel, security people.
(Whereupon, the courtroom was cleared at 9: o'clock A.M.)
MR. ESPLIN Your Honor. The defense rested its case yesterday . . At that time it was our opinion and our advice that Mr. Gilmore not testify in this case, that he exercise his right to remain silent throughout this trial . . . After discussing the matter last night and becoming aware of his desire to take the stand, again we . . . both gave our considered opinions . . . that he not take the stand . . . and put the State to its proof. But again we assured him that was his decision and . . . he had a right to take the stand against our advice. We advised him to consider his decision overnight. We met with him again this morning . . .
THE COURT Mr. Gilmore, do you desire to take the stand at this time?
MR. GILMORE It isn't that I have such burning desire to take the stand, but I was simply unprepared for counsel to rest the case at the point they did yesterday. I mean, I'm on trial for my life and I have been expecting all along to present some sort of a defense. And when they rested yesterday, man, it appeared to me to be in effect tantamount to a plea of guilty to a First-Degree Murder charge, because I don't see where the Jury could return any other verdict at that stage. And why have a trial? I mean I-THE COURT What evidence do you have that you want to present?
MR. GILMORE Apparently I don't have any, according to my lawyers.
THE COURT Do you have any or do you not?
MR. GILMORE God, I don't know . . . I have feelings and beliefs and I guess these doctors don't concur with them.
THE COURT Now, Mr. Gilmore—
MR. GILMORE You have to let me finish.
THE COURT Yes. Yes. Go ahead.
MR. GILMORE I feel myself that I have a good insanity defense or at least a basis of it. But apparently the doctors don't concur. But the conditions that I talked to the doctors under were adverse. There were inmates present. The whole thing was not right. It wasn't fair to me, really. And it blew my whole defense off. I don't want to just plead guilty to First-Degree Murder and accept a First-Degree Murder conviction. It will take them less than a half an hour to find that, the way I see it right now. That's what I'm saying. That's what I feel, man. I mean I have been expecting all along to present some sort of case even if it's meager. And I think that probably the best thing I could possibly do would be to talk to them myself. I could do that at the Mitigation Hearing, but that's after they find me guilty. I'd like them to at least consider what I have to say before they go out.
THE COURT You can take the stand, if you care to. But if you do so you should understand fully the consequences of it.
MR. GILMORE Man, I'm not, you know, telling you I'm burning to get on the stand. I just would like to present a defense That's been my expectation all along.
THE COURT Do you want to take the witness stand and testify?
MR. GILMORE I want to present a defense. I just don't want to sit here mute and be—
THE COURT My question to you is: Do you want to have the Court reopen the case—
MR. GILMORE Right.
THE COURT -be sworn as a witness and testify?
MR. GILMORE Yeah. Yeah. Right