Executioner's Song, The - Norman Mailer [212]
"Oh, Nicole, why, why," asked Kathryne. "Why in the hell are you going there?"
"Because he has nobody else. I'll go every single day until they execute him. In fact," said Nicole, "I'll go and watch it."
"How could you?" shrieked Kathryne.
Then it wore itself down to simpler stuff. "If you need a ride," said Kathryne, "for Christ's sake, if you need to get up there, call one of us." "Well, you work," said Nicole, "and I don't want to bother you." "Dammit," said Kathryne, "it don't make any difference if I'm working. I don't want you hitchhiking." "Well," said Nicole, "I can't waste the time to drop off here."
Even Mr. Overman, for whom Kathryne was working, told Nicole, "Listen, girl, if you need a ride, call us at work. It don't matter if you want to go at eight o'clock in the morning. Your mother can take off to go with you. I don't like hitchhiking." Nicole just laughed. She said, "Oh, you all worry too much."
October 7
I was once deprived almost totally of my dreams for about 3 weeks. It was when I was on that Prolixin and couldn't sleep. Luckily, I knew the importance of dreams.
So, I compensated the best I could. I would let my mind wander into the hallucinations that were imposing themselves on me but never enough that I couldn't pull out of it. I believe I learned something that few people could ever really understand: what a terrible thing it would be to be insane.
It is a fact that I was on trial for my life and my lawyers simply did not defend me. It's true that they didn't have a hell of a lot to work with-but they were never curious either. They never really tried to look beneath the surface. They assume that like everybody else who ever gets a death sentence, I will allow them to keep me alive with appeals.
I mean they simply don't know a lot of things-those two puppets Snyder & Esplin Fuck them.
I s'pose they got paid pretty good. They earned it. The State paid them and they did what they were s'posed to do for the State.
October 18th
The lieutenant . . said we gonna have to cool it a little with the "lovemakin" in the visitin room. l told him we was just glad to see each other (an understatement). He said he can understand that-he's human, too, I didn't know, but rules are rules and he don't wanna have to warn us too many times.
Here's some verses from The Sensitive Plant. It's by Percy Bysshe Shelley.
And the leaves, brown, yellow and gray, and red and white with the whiteness of what is dead, like troops of ghosts on the dry wind passed, Their whistling noise made the birds aghast.
I dare not guess, but in this life Of error, ignorance, and strife, Where nothing is, but all things seem, And we the shadows of the dream.
October 9th
I ain't got anything against Sue but you said in one of your letters that she's always tryin' to get you to go out with her boyfriend's boyfriend and that fucking Hawaiian probably came over because of Sue. I don't know why you even let that Hawaiian even stay in your house that long-Jesus, baby, fuck that. Just make it clear to the motherfucker that he' s gotta go. And I wish you'd make it clear to Sue that you don't need boyfriends.
You don't have to let some asshole set in your living room while he's waiting for his friend to come get him-let him go sit in the gutter.
The reason you couldn't find the word in the dictionary is because you read it wrong-or I didn't write it right-anyhow it's TAUTOLOGIC not TANTOLOGIC. Look again.
I've considered outright asking you to commit suicide. I've thot of telling you that I would assume all the debt, if there were any to be paid if you did commit suicide. I would if I could. But how can I make an offer like that when I don't know what it would cause if you were to do that. Angel, are we now being given a chance to relive something that we've fucked up in an earlier life???
That could easily be what is happening as anything else.
Look, I've told you I ain't much afraid about any of this-well, I am afraid of making the wrong choice. I'm afraid of hurting us, l don't want to hurt us.
Sue