Executioner's Song, The - Norman Mailer [213]
Then it started. Nicole didn't want to see guys anymore. After the trial, Nicole would read letters all night long. Or else, the girl was constantly writing. That impressed Sue Baker. One time Sue even saw her writing at four in the morning. She couldn't stop. It was like smoking.
Sometimes Nicole would laugh at the funny things in his letters.
Some would make her cry. She would try not to let Sue know she was crying, but you could see her reading with red eyes. Tears would come down her cheeks. Then she would sit up, stop crying, and go on with her letters.
A couple of weeks after the trial, Nicole became really excited.
"Yes," she said to Sue, "he's not going to fight it. He wants to die."
Sue started to say what she thought of that and Nicole said, "If he wants to, he's got the right." You couldn't tell Nicole otherwise.
October 20th
Fuck me in your mind and in your dreams Angel come to me and wrap it around me warm and wet and hot and sticky and sweet and take my cock in your mouth and in your cunt and in your bootie and lay on me and lay under me and lay beside me with your head so close and your pretty legs so high and rite around me and put your cunt in my mouth for me to kiss and lick and probe and suck and love and feel you explode and moan and sigh and run wet and warm into my mouth.
One day, hearing Sue talk about her Valiums of which Sue had one hundred, 10 mg. each, Nicole asked, "How many do you take if you want to kill yourself?" Just asked it one night calmly as hell. Sue never thought nothing of it. Said, "Well, I don't know. I don't want to try, so I don't know." Never gave it thought, but as the days went by, and Nicole got moodier, Sue began to worry now and again.
October 20
I am reminded constantly of the almost awesome unreal situation we are in. I have to accept it I have no choice you choose to accept it. You amaze me, the utter strength and beauty you show. It would be so easy for me to die, I have but to fire those two idiot lawyers drop all appeals walk out of here Monday Nov. 15 at 8 AM and quickly and easily be shot to death. If you choose to join me it would be much harder for you would have to do it yourself by whatever means you decide on: sleepin pills, gun, razor blade whatever-it would have to be by your own hand-and that's hard, I know. I'm also not blind to the fact that you believe a heavy debt is incurred when a person commits suicide. I'm also not unaware of Sunny and Peabody. Oh, Jesus! There's no reason why you should acquire a debt that I may not if I am simply shot to death.
Baby I'm not asking or telling you to go with me. I just can't do that.
But I've told you that's what I want-if that's a contradiction well, I can't help it. I'm just trying to be honest.
October 21
I've felt fucked up and shitty all day. Depressed. Down. This fuckin cell is too small.
When I was a little kid I used to sing all the time. I'd go down to Johnson Creek, this was in Portland and this was a real neat creek, all woods and swimmin holes where I used to swim naked and when I was alone I'd sing my little ass off!
October 23
Oh Baby. You said in your letter that sometimes you can't feel my love. Baby it's here! It's there every second, every moment, every hour of every day. I send it all to you-I want to give you all that I am. I want you to know all of me.
Even the things that I don't particularly like about myself and have always sort of hidden or altered, changed a little, in my own mind so they wouldn't seem so bad-I would willingly show to you.
Goddam, this is a noisy place. Some fool ass fool is in the background screaming, screaming for no other reason than to scream. I'd like to put one of my size 11's right in his