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By Root 662 0

pyjamas are a boring present, but I saw them while in the States and I thought they’d keep him cosy through the winter. I know things must be tougher for you than you let on in the summer, so I’m enclosing a cheque rather than sending a present for you. I worry about you, especially as I hardly ever hear from you. I expect that is because you don’t want to admit how bad things are in case I tell Stuart. But I promise I’d never divulge anything you tell me, and you must promise me that you will come to me if you ever need help. You will always be my dearest friend, no matter what. Spend at least part of the money on something nice for yourself, and my wish for the New Year for you is that you find happiness again. Hug Barney for me. I couldn’t believe how grown up he’d become, and it made me feel quite tearful to think he’s beginning to read and do sums. I so much want to see him again soon. Please write or phone, I miss you both so much.

My love, Jackie

The cheque was for £500, and it made Laura feel ashamed that her old friend imagined they were sitting in a cold, miserable flat with no Christmas cheer, and no prospects either. She hadn’t rung Jackie or written to her since the holiday in London during the summer.

She knew she must write back now and thank her for the money, but she was worried that Jackie might tell Stuart she’d moved, and if she mentioned where the new flat was, he’d be suspicious about how she could afford to live in such a smart area.

Soon after Christmas, she did write, but once again she lied to her friend. She used the excuse of working full-time at the dress shop as why she hadn’t been in touch, and said a friend helped her out by collecting Barney from school. Thanking her for the cheque, she said it couldn’t have come at a better time as she’d been offered a new flat with a bedroom for Barney but until the cheque came, she couldn’t raise the deposit for it. Now, thanks to her friend’s generosity, they had moved in, and she hoped Jackie would come and see her next time she came up to Scotland. She added truthfully that it had been a very difficult year, but she thought that things were finally improving.

She wished she hadn’t been forced to tell Jackie more lies, but if she was to admit the whole truth about how she was living, Jackie would be afraid for Barney and she might even think he’d be better off with his father.

For a short while after Christmas Laura did seriously study the Situations Vacant column in the newspaper with the intention of getting a job so she could stop the photographic work. But although she thought perhaps she could become a company rep, or go back to promotions work, any jobs offered didn’t pay enough.

Sometimes when she was alone in the early evening with Barney, helping him with his reading and sums, she’d look down at his earnest little face, see all that beautiful innocence, and feel very ashamed of the life she led when she was away from him.

Yet she could always justify it.

He was loved, well fed and clothed, she was there every day to collect him from school, and every weekend was spent with him alone. She didn’t ever have men friends around the flat. In fact she hadn’t got any, for apart from not going anywhere to meet a man she’d like to go out with, she saw enough of male bodies at work to put her off the idea. Robbie had lost interest in her now he had her where he wanted her. She only saw him occasionally if he came to the studio. All in all, she believed Barney wasn’t affected in any way by how she made the money to keep them both.

But by the spring of ’76 when Barney turned six, he was affected. It began by her being occasionally late to collect him from school. Once or twice it was because she was held up in traffic, but more often it was because she’d gone for a drink with Katy or one of the other girls after a session, and she’d been having such a good time she forgot about her son.

After she’d been severely reprimanded by his teacher, and warned that it wasn’t to happen again, Laura paid Fiona, the mother of one of her son’s classmates, to