Faith - Lesley Pearse [157]
She knew Jackie wouldn’t be sympathetic about any of that, but she would have liked to confide in her about her torrid affair with Tod the photographer.
It had started out as a bit of fun, hot, steamy sex with no strings. But however much Laura had thought that was all she wanted, it turned out it wasn’t. Tod was married, so their affair had to be conducted mainly during the day, and six months down the line Laura was feeling bruised and used.
She scrutinized herself in the mirror and saw an extremely attractive woman who looked ten years younger than her real age of thirty-four, despite drinking too much, doing drugs and not eating well. Her figure was perfect, her hair shone, and everyone she met remarked how stylish and elegant she was.
She had everything she ever wanted – money, beautiful clothes, a nice home and a new car – yet she felt desperately alone. She didn’t understand how that could be, not when she was surrounded by people all day. It was that Stinky Wilmslow scenario all over again. She felt that no one really liked her for herself, only for what she could do for them.
More and more often she found herself thinking back to what she’d had with Stuart, the closeness, that all-enveloping love that made the world beautiful. Sex with Tod was very much like in the films they made, erotic perhaps, but never the magic carpet ride she’d known with Stuart. Afterwards, as Tod hastily put on his clothes and rushed off home, she felt so cheap. They never had time for a cup of tea together, a walk in the park or just a loving cuddle. Sometimes when she felt really low she thought he only made love to her to make sure she kept him on as cameraman. Even Katy, whom she had always thought of as a real friend, seemed only interested in the money they made together.
Laura and Barney spent Christmas of ’79 alone in Albany Street, but they saw the New Year in at Brodie Farm with Jackie. Roger was there too, and Frank and Lena had come up from London with Belle and Charles. The stables were still in the process of being converted into guest rooms, and with only two completely finished, it was a little crowded in the farmhouse, but that made it seem even cosier for everyone pitched in with cooking and tidying up. It was so good to see Lena, Frank and Belle again, like the old days at Muswell Hill. They played board games for Barney’s benefit, took long walks and ate huge meals, and at Jackie’s insistence Laura stayed on in Fife until after her thirty-fifth birthday in early January.
It was the first time in a very long while that Laura felt at peace. She was touched that Jackie never once said anything that might alert the others that she wasn’t running a promotions agency. Even Roger, who she knew had never liked her, had been pleasant. She was able to be herself, to enjoy seeing Barney so happy, and to laugh and chatter with the family as if she were a real member of it too.
Her memories of Barney during that period were some of the sharpest she had, so clear and vivid still they could have been just yesterday. Lena and Frank had bought him one of those leather flying hats with flaps that came down over his ears, and he wore it all the time. But he pretended to be Deputy Dog, the gormless character from the Disney cartoon, and mimicked his voice. At one point when all the adults were drinking he picked up a bottle of whisky and pretended to take a swig of it. ‘Darn fine moonshine,’ he said, staggering around as if he was drunk and making everyone laugh.
She remembered thinking that he would be ten in the spring, and how fleeting childhood was. Jackie and Belle were always saying what a little charmer he was, that he took such an interest in people, and cared about them. She realized then that he was the only thing in her life she could be really proud of.
Jackie