Fanny and the Servant Problem [11]
[She joins her sister. They whisper.]
VERNON [to the Doctor to whom he has been talking]. Can we give you a lift?
DR. FREEMANTLE. Well, you might as far as the Vicarage. Good-bye, Lady Bantock.
FANNY [shaking hands]. Good-bye, Doctor.
VERNON. Sure you won't be lonely?
FANNY [laughs]. Think I can't exist an hour without you? Mr. Conceited!
VERNON [laughs and kisses her]. Come along. [He takes the Doctor and his younger Aunt towards the door.]
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [who is following last]. I like you in that frock.
FANNY [laughs]. So glad. It's Ernest who attends to the fires, isn't it?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Yes, dear.
FANNY. I wish you'd send him up. [At door--calls after them] Hope you'll all enjoy yourselves!
VERNON [from the distance]. I shall put you on a fiver.
FANNY. Mind it wins. [She listens a moment--closes door, comes back to desk, and takes a Bradshaw.] Five-six-three--five-six-three. [Finds page.] St. Pancras, eight o'clock. Oh, Lord! Stamford, 10.45. Leave Stamford--[Ernest has entered.] Is that you, Ernest?
ERNEST. Yes.
FANNY. Shut the door. Sure it went off last night, that telegram?
ERNEST. Yes.
FANNY. If he doesn't catch that eight o'clock, he can't get here till nearly four. That will be awkward. [To Ernest] What time is it now?
ERNEST [looks at clock]. Twenty past eleven.
FANNY. If he does, he'll be here about twelve--I believe I'll go and meet him. Could I get out without being seen?
ERNEST. You'll have to pass the lodge.
FANNY. Who's at the lodge now?
ERNEST. Mother.
FANNY. Damn!
Bennet has entered unnoticed and drawn near. At this point from behind, he boxes Ernest's ears.
ERNEST. Here, steady!
BENNET. On the occasions when your cousin forgets her position, you will remember it and remind her of it. Get out! [Ernest, clumsily as ever, "gets out."] A sort of person has called who, according to his own account, "happened to be passing this way," and would like to see you.
FANNY [who has been trying to hide the Bradshaw--with affected surprise.] To see me!
BENNET [drily]. Yes. I thought you would be surprised. He claims to be an old friend of yours--Mr. George Newte.
FANNY [still keeping it up]. George Newte! Of course--ah, yes. Do you mind showing him up?
BENNET. I thought I would let you know he had arrived, in case you might be getting anxious about him. I propose giving him a glass of beer and sending him away again.
FANNY [flares up]. Look here, uncle, you and I have got to understand one another. I may put up with being bullied myself--if I can't see any help for it--but I'm not going to stand my friends being insulted. You show Mr. Newte up here.
A silence.
BENNET. I shall deem it my duty to inform his lordship of Mr. Newte's visit.
FANNY. There will be no need to. Mr. Newte, if his arrangements permit, will be staying to dinner.
BENNET. That, we shall see about. [He goes out.]
FANNY [following him to door]. And tell them I shall want the best bedroom got ready in case Mr. Newte is able to stay the night. I've done it. [She goes to piano, dashes into the "Merry Widow Waltz," or some other equally inappropriate but well-known melody, and then there enters Newte, shown in by Bennet. Newte is a cheerful person, attractively dressed in clothes suggestive of a successful bookmaker. He carries a white pot hat and tasselled cane. His gloves are large and bright. He is smoking an enormous cigar.]
BENNET. Mr. Newte.
FANNY [she springs up and greets him. They are evidently good friends] . Hulloa, George!
NEWTE. Hulloa, Fan--I beg your pardon, Lady Bantock. [Laughs.] Was just passing this way -
FANNY [cutting him short]. Yes. So nice of you to call.
NEWTE. I said to myself--[His eye catches Bennet; he stops.] Ah, thanks. [He gives Bennet his hat and stick, but Bennet does not seem satisfied. He has taken from the table a small china tray. This he is holding out to Newte, evidently for Newte to put something
VERNON [to the Doctor to whom he has been talking]. Can we give you a lift?
DR. FREEMANTLE. Well, you might as far as the Vicarage. Good-bye, Lady Bantock.
FANNY [shaking hands]. Good-bye, Doctor.
VERNON. Sure you won't be lonely?
FANNY [laughs]. Think I can't exist an hour without you? Mr. Conceited!
VERNON [laughs and kisses her]. Come along. [He takes the Doctor and his younger Aunt towards the door.]
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [who is following last]. I like you in that frock.
FANNY [laughs]. So glad. It's Ernest who attends to the fires, isn't it?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Yes, dear.
FANNY. I wish you'd send him up. [At door--calls after them] Hope you'll all enjoy yourselves!
VERNON [from the distance]. I shall put you on a fiver.
FANNY. Mind it wins. [She listens a moment--closes door, comes back to desk, and takes a Bradshaw.] Five-six-three--five-six-three. [Finds page.] St. Pancras, eight o'clock. Oh, Lord! Stamford, 10.45. Leave Stamford--[Ernest has entered.] Is that you, Ernest?
ERNEST. Yes.
FANNY. Shut the door. Sure it went off last night, that telegram?
ERNEST. Yes.
FANNY. If he doesn't catch that eight o'clock, he can't get here till nearly four. That will be awkward. [To Ernest] What time is it now?
ERNEST [looks at clock]. Twenty past eleven.
FANNY. If he does, he'll be here about twelve--I believe I'll go and meet him. Could I get out without being seen?
ERNEST. You'll have to pass the lodge.
FANNY. Who's at the lodge now?
ERNEST. Mother.
FANNY. Damn!
Bennet has entered unnoticed and drawn near. At this point from behind, he boxes Ernest's ears.
ERNEST. Here, steady!
BENNET. On the occasions when your cousin forgets her position, you will remember it and remind her of it. Get out! [Ernest, clumsily as ever, "gets out."] A sort of person has called who, according to his own account, "happened to be passing this way," and would like to see you.
FANNY [who has been trying to hide the Bradshaw--with affected surprise.] To see me!
BENNET [drily]. Yes. I thought you would be surprised. He claims to be an old friend of yours--Mr. George Newte.
FANNY [still keeping it up]. George Newte! Of course--ah, yes. Do you mind showing him up?
BENNET. I thought I would let you know he had arrived, in case you might be getting anxious about him. I propose giving him a glass of beer and sending him away again.
FANNY [flares up]. Look here, uncle, you and I have got to understand one another. I may put up with being bullied myself--if I can't see any help for it--but I'm not going to stand my friends being insulted. You show Mr. Newte up here.
A silence.
BENNET. I shall deem it my duty to inform his lordship of Mr. Newte's visit.
FANNY. There will be no need to. Mr. Newte, if his arrangements permit, will be staying to dinner.
BENNET. That, we shall see about. [He goes out.]
FANNY [following him to door]. And tell them I shall want the best bedroom got ready in case Mr. Newte is able to stay the night. I've done it. [She goes to piano, dashes into the "Merry Widow Waltz," or some other equally inappropriate but well-known melody, and then there enters Newte, shown in by Bennet. Newte is a cheerful person, attractively dressed in clothes suggestive of a successful bookmaker. He carries a white pot hat and tasselled cane. His gloves are large and bright. He is smoking an enormous cigar.]
BENNET. Mr. Newte.
FANNY [she springs up and greets him. They are evidently good friends] . Hulloa, George!
NEWTE. Hulloa, Fan--I beg your pardon, Lady Bantock. [Laughs.] Was just passing this way -
FANNY [cutting him short]. Yes. So nice of you to call.
NEWTE. I said to myself--[His eye catches Bennet; he stops.] Ah, thanks. [He gives Bennet his hat and stick, but Bennet does not seem satisfied. He has taken from the table a small china tray. This he is holding out to Newte, evidently for Newte to put something